Everybody Learns from Disaster
by theartisticallyawkward
Summary: The Sanzo-ikkou have survived their battle with Gyumaoh and now it is time for them to return home. For Goku this means returning to the temple with Sanzo. But everything seems to have stayed the same, except him. And his homecoming hasn't been very warm
1. Now That You're Home

A/N I've suddenly decided to write down the idea that's been bouncing around my head for over a year now. It's my first fanfic (but not my first story). The story, right now it's at K and a drama/romance. The story will become darker and rating will go up with following chapters, The category may change too.

Feedback will be much appreciated :)

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><p>If it'd been up to him, he would definitely not have returned to Chang'an. He would definitely not have chosen to once again live with the monks. He definitely would not have willingly submerged himself back into the hypocrisy and lies of the temple.<p>

But, then again, it _hadn't_ been up to him. Where else was he supposed to go? His own separate way? Goku had lost many hours of sleep over this question, rolling the possible answers back and forth in his head, when really, he already knew the answer.

So now that the four misfits had succeeded in their task and actually defeated Gyumaoh, none too easily, there was only one place to go. And that was wherever Sanzo was going.

For the time being, it was where they were all going; East. Sooner or later Gojyo and Hakkai would branch off and go their separate ways, leaving Sanzo and Goku to finish their way back on their own.

That time seemed to be drawing near. As it always is, it was much faster returning to where they came from than it was getting to where they were. The days were quieter, the mood was lighter and the road seemed a little smoother. Goku and Gojyo had come to realize that their many squabbles were never really more than something to break the monotony and bring a little energy into an otherwise forlorn trip. Nowadays, they seemed to get along much better, though still throwing a few barbs at each other once in a while. Old habits die hard.

Goku wasn't dreading going back to the temple. It had served as his home prior to the start of the journey. Truth be told, he missed the peaches. But even still, whenever his mind wandered into his future living there, he always found himself a little tenser than normal. Most of the time he was able to calm himself down by telling himself that he wouldn't be alone. Sanzo would be there with him, and it would be like old times. Only, recently that thought too troubled Goku. There was no way things would go back to being "like old times" now that so much had changed. They all had grown into different people. Not startlingly so, but even the slightest changes could have extensive consequences. Goku's biggest worry was if he was really even welcome back at the temple. He didn't trouble himself with the monks; he already knew they weren't too fond of him, but whether or not _Sanzo _wanted him there is what made him anxious. Each night Goku didn't pose the question was a night with little sleep.

So when the road actually forked, one leading to Chang'an and the other leading to elsewhere, when Sanzo stepped out of the Jeep, it was only natural that Goku would be at odds with what to do. Should he immediately jump out and trail behind, or should he wait for someone to nudge him out? It turned out to be a mix of the two; Goku was poised to exit the Jeep, but had had been frozen in the position by nerves. _Am I making the right decision?_ He thought over and over in his head and probably would have continued to do so if it had not been for Sanzo turning his head back with an impatient glare on his face. That was all Goku needed. He finished climbing out of the Jeep, bid Hakkai and Gojyo farewell, and joined Sanzo, matching his strides on the path to home.

As expected, Goku wasn't exactly received with warm smiles like Sanzo was. It was the opposite in fact; as soon as Sanzo had passed by, the monks shot frowns and narrowed eyes at him. The same looks Goku had been oblivious to all those years ago began to unnerve him.

"Think they remember you?" Goku asked dryly, as he settled down on Sanzo's bed. He didn't get too comfortable; he knew the monks were preparing a room for him.

"Ch'" was all Sanzo mustered up as a response. "They probably remember you too, as that idiotic monkey who ate all the peaches."

"Yeah. I think they do." Goku continued to sit on the bed as Sanzo glanced over the room. It was the same what it had been before they left, and somehow that didn't feel right to Goku.

"Master Sanzo? We've finished preparing the room for…" the acolyte's voice faded, unsure of what to address Goku by.

"Thanks." Goku stood, not really caring what they called him in the presence of Sanzo. He knew that when he was out of earshot that titles like "heathen" and "scum" would be bestowed upon him. He followed the boy down the hall a bit, towards one of the back rooms. Obviously the men of the temple wanted him as far away as possible.

"Make yourself at home _Master Goku_." Goku rolled his eyes at the sarcasm tacked on to his name, but thanked the boy anyway. Once he left, Goku surveyed the room. It was small, maybe even smaller than the room he had when he first arrived all those years ago. It certainly hadn't been occupied in a while, as the webs of spiders nested in the corners and a thin veil of dust seemed to coat even the walls. _Some preparation_. Smirking, he walked over to the window, resting his forehead against the glass and peered outside. He was facing east, and the dark of night was slowly creeping towards the grounds. _Great._ He pushed away from the window and began making the room a little more acceptable. He was used to camping on the ground and going days without showering, but the condition of the room was too low for even those standards.

After about an hour of cleaning, Goku finally let himself fall back on his bed, immediately regretting the action because it felt as though he had collided with a rock. _For fuck's sake…_Coming to terms with the fact that he was not going to be comfortable, he closed his eyes and tried to get some sleep.


	2. You Might Have Noticed

So just to clarify, yes. I did make Goku more mature. I know he's more mature than he lets on; he not just a stupid monkey anymore. Or so I believe anyway.

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><p>Morning had come too early. Goku knew it was partly due to the fact that because his room was facing east, as soon as the sun peaked over the horizon, he was going to know. Yawning, he looked out into the morning and wondered what time it was. It seemed like even the monks weren't up yet.<p>

A familiar growl cut through the silence and drew out a sigh from Goku. There was no way he was going to be eating anytime soon, so he settled for a shower. He hadn't taken one the night before for two reasons: he was too tired to bother, and he didn't want to find out how shitty it would be. He was right. The bathing room's state matched that of his room. Maybe worse. It didn't even look like the acolytes _tried_ to clean it up. The faucet and drain were rusted up and the smell of mildew hung in the air. _Whatever_. Goku turned the water on and stepped into the unsurprisingly cold shower. The feeling of ice water on skin was nothing new to him; during the journey they all had bathed in cold stream many times over. It was just disappointing that it hadn't changed. If there was one upside, it was that it definitely helped wake him up, and right then the cold was taking his mind off of his hunger.

Finally tired of the cold, Goku turned off the water and began drying himself off with the towel, or rag, he wasn't sure, that was left for him. Returning to his room, he noticed that a lot more of sunshine was spilling through the window. His mood brightened a little.

He had definitely spent more time in the shower than he'd anticipated, though breakfast was still a long way off. Goku decided to take a walk along the grounds, wanting to see if everything in the temple had stayed the same. Pulling on a pair of jeans and white t-shirt, he made his way outside, pausing slightly outside of Sanzo's room. The door was closed, but Goku recognized the sound of Sanzo's breathing. Goku smiled at the familiarity of it. He was still asleep, so Goku continued on his way and was surprised at how warm the air was when he emerged outside. It was still early spring, but the summer weather seemed to be moving in fast. He took his time walking around, almost enjoying the sights. Dew laced the flowers and shrubs that outlined the temple and glittered in the early light. As he rounded a corner, Goku saw his peach tree. Technically, it belonged to the Goddess of Mercy, but Goku had spent so much time lazing in its branches that he was entitled to some sort of claim over it. No fruit had emerged on it yet, but the budding flowers gave off the familiar scent. Unable to stop it, Goku grinned and made his way up the tree, finally settling on a branch high up enough to see the entire grounds.

_It's so peaceful. So quiet. It feels so weird being back here. _Goku mused over his thoughts, thinking of the times the monks had chased him off the tree, unable to stop him from grabbing a few peaches. Or the times he had been berated by Sanzo for tracking mud in after a rainstorm. _I miss those days._ Goku sighed contently.

"You know if they catch you up there they'll throw a fit." Goku started at the sound of Sanzo's voice. Goku looked down to see the priest leaning against the tree, enjoying a morning cigarette.

"You're up early."

"I could say the same for you."

"The sun woke me up. By the way, when's breakfast?"

"You haven't changed at all, monkey." Goku frowned. But he _had_ changed, hadn't he? He definitely felt older, but maybe he really hadn't changed much. He frowned at the thought. Things that don't change are boring; people grow tired of them. Was Sanzo growing tired of him?

"Hey Sanzo?" Goku watched as Sanzo turned his head up slightly. "Is it okay that I'm here?"

"Well, you're here aren't you?" Goku nodded. "So it doesn't really matter, does it?" Instead of waiting for a response, Sanzo put out the cigarette and turned on his heel."It's breakfast time." Goku gave a slight smile, at least Sanzo thought it was okay he was here.

As Goku dropped from the tree, he couldn't help but notice a few acolytes staring at him.

Goku was finding breakfast rather dull. He'd never admit it, but he actually _liked_ fighting over food. Without Gojyo, there was not competing, and a lot more silence. It was mostly his fault though. Sanzo was never one for conversation at the table, so if Goku wanted to talk, he should be the one to initiate it. It wasn't that Goku didn't have anything to talk about; it was more like he had _too much_ to talk about. Too many questions to ask, and no idea where to start. The silence really was killing him though.

"So what're we—" Goku caught himself. "What's on the agenda today?"

"Dunno. Don't care either."

"Are they going to stick you with a tower of paperwork again?"

"Probably."

"Anything I can help with?"

"Ch'. You can stay out of trouble." Goku smiled. Even though they were in a different place, at least this was familiar.

"But trouble is so much fun!" Sanzo rolled his eyes.

"Not when you're the one cleaning up after it." With that, Sanzo pushed himself way from the table and made his way back to his room. Goku followed him.

"Did I invite you to come with me?" Sanzo asked, sliding into the chair behind his desk.

"_Dunno. Don't care._" Goku mocked, laying back on the bed. It was much more comfortable than his own. Goku tried his best not to fall asleep, but after the terrible night ofsleeping before, it was hard not to, especially not on such a soft mattress.

"Oi, monkey." Goku opened his eyes and stared at the blonde monk towering over him. "Go nap in your own bed."

"No." Goku rolled over in defiance and smirked when he heard Sanzo sigh in aggravation.

"Whatever. I'm going to see the Sanbutsushin."

"Can I come with?" Goku asked, finally sitting up.

"No."

"Please?"

"No. Play with the other kids while I'm away. I'll be back sometime this evening." Goku stood at the doorway, and watched as Sanzo slipped outside, and leaned against frame.

"Hello there _Master Goku._" Goku turned to look at three young monks, grinning at him. "May we ask a favor of you?"

"Uh, sure." Curious, and a little surprised by their geniality, he followed them all the way into the kitchen.

"See, as you know, we have chores, and one of them is to wash dishes. But the problem is we also have several other tasks, and they're taking longer than expected. Could you maybe help us out?"

"Um," Goku raised an eyebrow. On one hand, he really didn't want to, but on the other, maybe it would help him get on the good side of the monks. "Okay."

"Thank you, _Master Goku._"


	3. Sick As Your Secrets

**A/N**

**So first and foremost, I have forgotten to mention that I do not own Saiyuki or any of it's characters. So I thought I should do that in case someone decides to sue me.**

**Secondly, this is a much longer chapter than the past two. I decided to make it longer instead of dragging it out into two or more chapters. **

**Also, this chapter gets very dark towards the end. I don't really wanna say more and ruin it, but seriously, if dark things don't suit your tastes, you should probably stop now. And, please don't think I'm a bad person due to what happens...I promise it'll get better.**

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><p>Somehow washing dishes had turned into mopping the floors, which turned into sweeping the floor, which turned into tending to the gardens. All the while the monks smiled and thanked him for his hard work.<p>

Propping himself up with the spade he had used to tidy the edges of the garden, Goku wondered what the monks were doing, now that most of their chores were taken care of. It was late afternoon, and the heat of noon was still lingering. Long ago he had abandoned his shirt which he used to wipe the dirt of his face and hands. _This is ridiculous_. He watched as several monks sat under one of the trees, carefree and lethargic. _Lazy fools._ Goku kicked a rock away from the flowerbed and headed back inside.

He was actually looking forward to laying on his rock-bed, anything to take the strain off his feet. His stamina was nowhere near gone, but the tedious tasks had made him tired. Goku was almost to his room when two monks appeared in front of him.

"We thank you for your work _Master Goku._ But there is one more thing we ask you to assist us with.

"What?" Goku asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

"Can you help us carry in the water needed for the baths? It'd go much faster if we had someone as strong as you helping out."

_No. No. No fucking way. _"Sure."

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><p>"Where the hell have <em>you<em> been?" Sanzo asked as Goku sat down for dinner, knees cracking as he did so.

"Staying out of trouble." Goku began filling his plate. "How was the trip?"

"Boring. Unnecessary."

"Mmph." Goku acknowledged, mouth full of food. He knew that Sanzo was looking at him in disgust, but damn he was hungry.

"Don't talk with your mouth full." Sanzo scolded.

"Don't smoke at the dinner table." Goku countered as he saw Sanzo reach for his pack of cigarettes.

"Don't talk back to your elders."

"Don't cause trouble."

Sanzo let out an angry mumble before slipping outside to smoke. Goku chuckled. It was a small victory, but it was a victory at least.

"Are you done?" An acolyte asked, cleaning up the dishes. Before Goku could say anything, his plate was gone, along with every other plate. He hadn't even eaten half his meal. Cursing, he stood and decided to join Sanzo outside.

"Come back to start another petty argument?"

"You started it."

"You continued it."

Goku opened his mouth to retort, but a growl from his stomach cut him off. He saw Sanzo raise an eyebrow.

"Didn't you just eat?" Goku wondered if he had mentioned the little brat taking away his plate before he finished, but decided against it. It would make him look like a whiny child, something he was not keen on being thought of as anymore.

"Can't help it I guess." He shrugged, looking over the grounds. Clouds were moving in, and it had already fallen dark. He was going to mention something about it looking like it was going to rain, but caught himself. If there was one thing he learned over the years, it was that Sanzo absolutely hated the rain, and even the mere mention of it would cause his mood to sour.

"Hey Sanzo? Do you like it here?"

"What kind of a question is that?" The smoke from the cigarette in Sanzo's fingers blew in front of Goku. He wrinkled his nose.

"I was just wonderin'. We came back here for a reason, right?"

"No, I came back here. You tagged along."

"You didn't stop me."

"Wasn't worth the energy." Goku paused. He knew what the next question he wanted to ask was, but really didn't want to ask it, for fear of the answer. _Do you want me here? _Goku shook his head. The better question would be _Do you want me to leave?_ Either way, he decided it could wait for another time and retreated back inside, muttering a "good night" as he did so. He was too tired to find out those answers right now anyway. So tired, his bed was almost comfortable as he lay down on it. Almost.

Once again, the sun woke Goku up, much earlier than he wanted to be up. He considered shoving the pillow over his face to block it out, but the thought of having to rest his head on the rock hard mattress was enough to get him out of bed. It was colder than it was yesterday and with a look out his window he realized why. It had just finished raining and the sun was peeking out of the clouds, though it looked like it would rain again soon. _Shit._

Goku dragged himself to his wash room and tried not to shiver as he washed himself in the freezing water. He decided he was only going to shower every other day, unless he absolutely had to. Still, being cold was better than the gnawing in his stomach. His mind floated back to yesterday, and how the acolyte had taken away his plate without even letting him answer. It was _mean._ Goku smirked, finding it rather ludicrous that he was still using words like "mean." So he _was_ still a bratty child after all.

The towel-rag did nothing to help warm him as he dried himself off, so he hurried back to the room to put on clothes, not even bothering to towel of his hair. _It's freakin' cold_. Goku looked at his bed, and at the thin blanket covering it. _Mean._ He thought again. The monks were intentionally doing this, trying to show him how much he wasn't wanted at the temple. _Well too bad._ As long as Sanzo was there, he wasn't going anywhere.

"_Master Goku_, are you up yet?" Goku turned to the voice. An acolyte stood in the doorframe, looking at him.

"Yes." He didn't like the way the kid had addressed him. _Come to think of it, they've all used that…_

"Can we ask you another favor? Can you help bring in water for the morning baths?" Goku wanted to say no, but there wasn't anything better for him to do anyway, so he nodded and followed the acolytes.

The work was easy, but the atmosphere was unnerving. For as polite as the boys had been to him, they certainly weren't being friendly. Each time Goku glanced back at them, they were whispering amongst themselves, but stopped dead the moment they noticed his stare. But what really unsettled him was the way they smiled when they saw him looking. It was almost devious. Goku shook it off as a mix of sleepiness and overreaction.

One his final trip with the water, Goku noticed that Sanzo's door was slightly open and that meant that the priest was up. He hurried to finish up and made his way back to the room. Sanzo was exiting at the same exact time Goku had turned to enter, resulting in a string of curses, a yelp, and Goku landing hard on his back.

"Ow."

"You idiot. Watch where the hell you're going! What the hell are you doing anyway?" Goku sat up and rubbed his elbow. He knew he was showing his embarrassment; he felt the warmth in his cheeks. Not only did he make a fool of himself, but that run-in…that collision…he was so _close_ to Sanzo. _If only. _Goku shook his head, forcing the thoughts out of his mind for the time being.

"I was just comin' to see ya. Good morning and what not." He gave a cheery smile. Sanzo scoffed and mumbled something about needing a cigarette.

Goku stood, ready to follow, but stopped himself. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, trying to regain his composure. It was just like him to go and plow into Sanzo like that. Like a reckless _kid._ _But I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not…_He slumped against the wall, realizing that even in his head he was whining, which wasn't really helping to prove his point. _But I can _feel_ it. I'm not a kid anymore. Kids don't have these emotions. Kids don't think about, no, they don't _worry_ about these kinds of things._ Goku's mind wandered back to dinner last night.

"_No, I came back here. You tagged along."_

"_You didn't stop me."_

"_Wasn't worth the energy."_

In that moment Goku had wanted to ask if Sanzo wanted him to leave, but couldn't muster up the courage to do so. After all, what was he going to do if Sanzo said yes? Go stay with Hakkai and Gojyo? As if he knew where they were anyway. For all he knew, they were still travelling. _Even still. I kinda have to know. _Because even if there was nowhere for Goku to go, there wasn't a point in sticking around if Sanzo didn't want him to.

"Dammit…" Goku cursed before heading down the hall to breakfast.

"Oh! _Master Goku_, good morning!" One of the acolytes greeted as he took a seat. Goku noticed it wasn't the same one who cleared his plate before he was done eating at dinner. _How many damn people are in this temple anyway?_

"Hey, kid. What's your name?" _If I'm going to be here around them, I might as well learn how to tell them apart. _

The acolyte paused before he answered, obviously irked at being called a kid, but finally managed to say, "Jiao-long."

"Cool." Goku replied, not really sure what else to say. Jiao-long smiled, yes _smiled_, at him. Not a fake, forced smile, but an actual smile. _Weird._

"I'll go bring out breakfast."

"Thanks." Goku wanted to mull over the possibility that not everyone in the temple hated him, but his thoughts were interrupted when Sanzo appeared, sitting across from him.

"Figures you'd be _waiting_ for breakfast." Sanzo remarked snidely.

"Does it?"

"Ch'"

Even if Goku had a response, which he really didn't, it wouldn't have mattered because breakfast was finally served and gods by damned, he was _hungry_. He loaded up his plate and tore into it vigorously. Sanzo looked at him, half-surprised and half-annoyed with his enthusiasm. It felt familiar; this was how so many breakfasts were spent, only Hakkai and Gojyo were now absent. Still, Goku enjoyed the sense of nostalgia that flooded him.

"Finished yet?" Sanzo asked sardonically as he rose to his feet and made off in the direction of his room. Goku nearly ignored him, but remembered what had happened at dinner, so after one final bite he nodded and stood up, planning on following.

"Did you enjoy the meal, _Master Goku_?" Jiao-long inquired, suddenly at Goku's side.

"Yeah. It was really good."

"I'm glad." And with that, the boy flashed another smile.

"Me too." Goku answered quietly, making his way to Sanzo's room.

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><p>It was late. Goku could tell by how cold the room was becoming. He sighed and lowered his chin down onto the desk. The same one he'd been sitting at for the better part of the day. The one in one of the common areas that Goku preferred to the old, probably rotting, one in his room. The reason he'd been sitting at the desk all day lay beside him in the form of a stack of papers; several inches thick.<p>

"_Oh c'mon Sanzo! There's gotta be somethin' I can do."_

"_Why don't you ask the monks and see what needs around the temple?"_

"_Because I already know! I know what needs done, Sanzo. And I did most of it yesterday!"_

Goku smirked at the memory. After he followed Sanzo to his room, he'd begun to pester the priest for something to do; preferably something they could do together, though he would never dare phrase it that way. After Goku let it slip that he'd done the acolyte's chores the previous day, Sanzo had relented and handed him a stack of papers.

"_Here. Read." Goku took the pile and immediately recognized them as holy documents, the same ones Sanzo had read and signed everyday prior to the start of the journey._

"_Oh. Um."_

"_What? I gave you something to do, monkey. That's what you wanted, right?" Goku nodded. "Read those and write a summary of what they say, then bring them back."_

"_Why?"_

"_Oh I'm sorry. Is that too much for you to handle?" Goku winced at the blatant sarcasm and veiled insult. _

"_It's fine." _

Several hours later, Goku had trouble focusing his eyes and he felt drained, but the task was done. He only wished he hadn't carried the papers out of the room before realizing what he'd done. He was about to go back before seeing that Sanzo's features had gone dark and noticed the soft pitter-patter sound of the rain as it fell on the roof. Deciding not to risk provocation, he had asked one of the monks where he could sit and read that wasn't his room. _So here I am…_Goku was happy he was helping Sanzo, but it would've been much better if he'd actually been with Sanzo while doing it.

_Too late now._ Goku thought, staring the candle on the wall, which had melted significantly since he'd lit it a few hours ago. _It can wait til morning_. He felt his eyes close and didn't fight it when sleep came.

At first he thought it was morning; albeit a very hot morning. He'd closed his eyes again, but realized that he wasn't in his room and his eyes and nose were stinging. And it was _hot._

"Shit!" Goku yelled, jumping to his feet. Flames painted the walls of the room, stretching up past the ceiling. The smoke rolling off the fire choked Goku as he bolted for the door and back to his room. He could hear the monks and acolytes' frenzied chatter as they tried to put out the fire.

_Shit shit shit shit. _Goku didn't know what he should do. He'd set the damn temple on fire. Did anyone know? Would anyone blame him? _Maybe I should just run away. _Goku knew he was panicking and tried to calm himself. No one really knew he was in that room, and more importantly, Sanzo didn't know. _Play it cool. Play it cool._

"Hey, what's going on?" He asked one of the acolytes who was running past his door, bucket of water in his hand.

"The temple's on fire! Fire! Here!" he shoved the bucket in Goku's hands and ran back, presumably to fill another. Goku ran off towards the direction of the fire and worked beside the monks and acolytes in an attempt to put the fire out.

Two hours later the fire was finally extinguished, though not without consequence. Several men were lying outside, trying to get rid of the smoke in their lungs. And some, like Goku, had suffered burns in the process and were wrapping the wounds.

The fire hadn't spread very far, but the wing it was in was all but destroyed. It would definitely require a lot of work to restore it.

"What the fuck happened?" Sanzo snarled.

"It appears a forgotten candle caused the fire." A random monk answered.

"I get that you idiot. So, who was the fucking moron who forgot to put out their candle?"

Goku shifted his weight from foot to foot. He knew he should speak up. It was his responsibility. He had done it. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to confess. He couldn't face Sanzo. He was too scared. So he stood there, looking around at everyone else, their faces showing either fear or exhaustion. Except one. In the corner Jiao-long stood and he was smiling. Smiling directly at Goku. He gave a half smile back and turned away, not liking the vibe he was getting from the boy.

"I'll ask one more goddamn time. Who the fuck started the fire?" Goku shrank back a little. In time he'd tell Sanzo. But not tonight. Not when Sanzo's face was red with

anger and his voice was laced with malice. _No, not tonight_.

"I swear, when I find out who fucking did this, there is going to be beyond hell to pay." Goku winced, but knowing that he wasn't going to muster up the courage anyway, headed back to his room.

"Hello there, _Master Goku_." Jiao-long appeared in front of him, flanked by three other acolytes.

"Hey." His eyes darted to and from each of the boys. There was something unsettling in their eyes.

"Can we walk you back to your room?"

"I don't think that's–"

"Nonsense! Come on boys. Let's show _Master Goku_ back to his room. Before Goku could protest, Jiao-long had taken a hold of his hand and was tugging him along. Goku wasn't in the mood to fight, so he let the boy drag him all the way back to his room, though not without an apprehensive feeling in his stomach.

Once they got to the room, Jiao-long and one of the other boys shoved Goku into the room, while a third boy locked the door.

"What the hell?"

"Shut up." The acolyte who locked the door demanded, and raised his hand, posed to slap Goku. He caught the boy's hand though and twisted it behind his back.

"What the fuck is going on?" Before he got an answer, Jiao-long had jumped onto his back and was pinning him on the floor.

Goku began to get up, ready to throw the boy off him, but Jiao-long leaned close to his ear and whispered, "I wouldn't do that if I were you Goku. See, in here, right now, we have all the power."

"Again, just what the fuck are you talking about?" Goku could feel his stomach sinking.

"I know you started the fire. And I know you're terrified of Sanzo finding out. After all, he'd be so angry, maybe he'd make you leave and you'd be poor, alone little Goku, lost in the world."

Goku froze. They knew. And they were right.

"So what? You're gonna blackmail me now? What the hell do you want from me?" Goku felt Jiao-long let out a sneer.

"What we want indeed. Boys, what is it we want again?"

"Well, what could he give us?" One acolyte stepped forward.

"Yes, what could he give us." Another stepped forward.

"Decisions, decisions." The third took a step towards him. Goku was now surrounded by the boys, with Jiao-long still pinning him. Dread was spreading throughout his body and a cold sweat was forming on his skin.

"He's rather good looking Jiao."

"I agree."

"Oh hell no." Goku, realizing their implications shoved Jiao-long off of him and scooted back away from the others.

"What's the matter? Afraid of a little physical contact?"

"Fuck you guys." Goku spat.

"You don't seem to realize that we hold the power here. You are no longer '_Master Goku.' _Go ahead and fight us. But what will you tell Sanzo? Or better yet, what will _we_ tell Sanzo? We were apprehending you because we found out you started the fire and you fought back…Which do you think he'll believe? That four innocent little acolytes were planning on having some fun and you couldn't really fight back because they'd tell on you, but you did anyway because you were scared? Or that we were serving justice?"

"You're sick." And even though he said the words, in the back of his mind, Goku knew they were right.

"Do you want Sanzo to throw you out? Because you know he will. You saw how mad he was. Hell, you'll be lucky if you still have all your limbs intact." Jiao-long threw his head back and laughed. "You see? We win."

The acolytes began to creep near him again. _Shit. What the fuck do I do? I can't run. I can't fight. Oh god._ He bit down on his lip, and squeezed his eyes shut, hoping to wake up from this horrible nightmare. _Goddammit. I have to fight. I have to run. I'm not supposed to be this _weak._ What would be the damn 'mature' thing to do here?_

Goku didn't have time to answer his question because one of the acolytes, he wasn't sure which, grabbed his hair and slammed his head down on the ground. _Fuck._ Dazed, he tried to push they boys back, but there was too many hands. Hands pinning his arms, hands grabbing his hair, hands unlatching his belt.

"Get off of me! Goddammit, what do I have to do? What can I do to make you guys knock it the fuck off?" He gave a kick, trying to throw boy how was working on removing his pants.

"Oh my dear, dear Goku, haven't you realized? This is what we want."

"But why?" He twisted, trying to break his captures' hold.

"Why not? You're staying here, no one really likes you, so you might as well make yourself useful. Maybe we'll actually want to keep you around if you comply. Of course, you could always choose the alternative and leave."

"I don't…I don't want to leave." And that was the truth. Goku couldn't imagine leaving. Not the temple, but he couldn't imagine leaving Sanzo's side. To not be near him anymore? That fear and that knife to his heart was worse than anything these boys could do to him. So he lay still, praying for it to be over with.

Of course, the gods weren't that merciful. It was a long night. After they had their fun, the acolytes left Goku crumpled in the corner, bloody and crying and on the verge of breaking.

_I can't…what…I…_Goku couldn't even understand his thoughts. His body had gone numb a while ago, yet he could still feel an ache spread throw himself. But it wasn't just the consequence of being used. This felt like everything, everything was being pulled apart. His skin, his ribs, his fingers, everything.

But for the moment, there wasn't much else he could do but curl up, not bothering to move to his bed, and pray for morning and the end of this nightmare.


	4. Your Stories, My Alibis

**A/N: Thank you all for the reviews. Much, much appreciated! And tamie123, it slipped my mind that Jiao-long is an Chinese dragon. Honestly, I named him a while ago, before I had planned on making him evil. Now his name's is a dichotomy to his nature. hiddenshoebox, I'm kinda messed up too, so no worries. Apologies if it bothers you that this chapter is shorter than the one before it. Enjoy and review please!**

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><p>Goku was expecting to be woken up by the light of the sun, like he had been the previous nights. But instead he found that the light did not come from the sun, but rather the bolts of lightning that were dancing in the sky. He flinched slightly as a crack of thunder sent a ripple through his room. He wanted to get up, wanted to forget the events that occurred a few hours before, wanted to run into the rain and scream.<p>

But instead he laid there, still a crumpled mess, a discarded toy, a broken marionette. He could feel every bruise, every cut, and every bite mark that they had left on his body. Surprising himself, he was able to stand and make his way to his washroom, albeit slowly and with a limp. The walk had its consequences though, and he would've fallen to the ground, had he not gripped the sink in time. Looking at himself in the mirror, he was able to see exactly how bad the damage was. There was a small gash along his left eyebrow, a bruise forming on his cheek, and his lip had been split straight down the side. Staring at his reflection brought back the memory of the night before, the pain, the blood, the laughing faces. He wretched into the sink, unable to stomach reliving it. Once he was sure he was done, he reached for the shower, but hesitated before turning it on, remembering how cold the water would be.

In the end it didn't matter what the temperature of the water was. Goku was pretty sure he wouldn't have noticed if it was freezing or scalding; his entire body was numb and all he wanted to so was scrub away at the filth. He looked down at himself. All his scouring had torn off his top layer of skin, breaking the skin in some places, and the fresh blood was mixing with the dried blood, creating a pool of crimson at his feet. _Red…_Like the inside of his eyelids were when he squeezed his eyes shut, both in agony and in hopes of making the nightmare go away. Again his stomach heaved and this time could not stop himself from falling. Disgusted by his surroundings, but too weak to care, he lay at the bottom of the shower, praying the water would make him clean.

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><p>Had the acolytes not come for him, he would have probably died from hypothermia. But they did come for him. Goku wasn't sure when, or how long it took for them to find him, but eventually they found him, still curled up in the shower. There were three of them, one of them being Jiao-long.<p>

"Well, well. What do we have here? Is the great Goku too sore to move?" One of the boys taunted.

"Or is he just tired from all the action last night?" The other laughed.

"In either case, it's time to get up. While it's nice to have you all submissive like this, people are gonna get suspicious if they don't see you." Jiao-long spoke up.

Goku answered them only with a blank stare. He didn't the strength or the will to move. He would have preferred hypothermia.

"I said '_get up' _you little bitch!" Jiao-long grabbed Goku by the hair while the other two took his arms. They dragged him back to his room and tossed him on the floor. The action jolted Goku, but he was still too numb for it too hurt.

"Just, just leave me alone, guys. You got what you wanted." His voice came out as a soft whisper. He heard the boys laugh.

"Is that what you think? That we're done with you? God, you're stupid." One of the boys spat.

"Really Goku, did you think we were finished?" Goku could feel his eyes widen. _No. No. Gods no…_

"Aw, looky here guys, he's crying."

"What a little bitch." The two boys behind Jiao-long looked at each other and laughed.

"It is a pity though, marring you like this." Jiao-long kneeled beside Goku and ran his fingers over a large bruise above his ribs. "Yet, I can't help but get a strong sense of pleasure knowing that we've done this. I mean, look at you, the great Goku or whatever, and you were brought you your knees by a bunch of young monks-in-training. All because you're afraid of losing the trust of one high-ranking priest."

Goku hissed. "Goddammit you bastard. I'm not going to let you do this." He brought his face close to Jiao-long's. "I'm not your fucking toy."

"See, that's where you're wrong."

"I don't care if he throws me out, I'm going to tell Sanzo the truth."

"I don't think you will."

"Why not? You think I'm scared?"

"Yes. I do. Haven't you realized that there is nothing you can do? I dare you to try and tell Sanzo the truth. But I bet you my soul that he'll be too disgusted by you to listen. I mean, look at you. You're so weak. So filthy."

"That's not…true…"

"Do you think you could even look him in the eye after this? After knowing that you've already been branded and used by someone else? That you could never be his because you belong to someone else now?"

"Shut…shut up!" Goku couldn't fight against the tears at began to form. Jiao-long smirked.

"And don't think for one second he'd even look you in the eye. You've nowhere to run; you're trapped. Now come on, get dressed. You need to eat something since you threw up whatever was left in your stomach."

There was a voice in the back of his mind that screamed for Goku to fight back, to put a stop to it all. But despite how loud it was and how badly he wanted to listen to it, it was no use. Goku knew that Jiao-long was right. There was no way he'd ever be able to tell Sanzo what had happened. Sanzo would never forgive him for being so weak and spineless. He'd look like, no, be, a failure in his eyes.

He let out a low whimper as he pulled on his clothes. The numbness was going away, but now he could feel his wounds, and on top of that, the fabric was irritating his skin, still raw from his shower.

"Don't worry Goku. We'll have you out of those clothes soon." One of the boys winked at him.

"You make me sick." Goku shot back.

"Yeah. But what can you do about it?" The other responded.

"Enough. Breakfast." Jiao-long ushered them out. "And _you_," he jabbed a finger in Goku's chest. "Walk normal."

The urge to punch him was overpowering Goku, until he remembered that doing so would most certainly guarantee his expulsion from the temple. So, trying to concentrate on everything but the pain, Goku forced himself to walk without a limp.

He thought he'd be okay, not good, but _okay_ if he just made it to breakfast, ate, and returned to his bedroom, but he forgot the breakfast meant _everyone_ was eating and everyone included Sanzo. He was already sitting at the table, coffee in one hand and newspaper in the other. He didn't even look up when Goku sat down. Goku was fine with that; the less he drew attention to himself, the better. His bangs were able to hide the cut on his brow and shadow the bruise, but it would be hard to miss his lip.

"Did you finish summarizing the papers?" Sanzo asked, still not looking up.

"The…the papers?" Panic began to creep through Goku's veins.

"Yes idiot, the papers I gave you yesterday." The papers Goku had been working on. While he was in that room. The room that had become nothing more than a pile of rubble and ash.

"I, uh, yeah. I finished 'em."

"Then where are they?" Sanzo finally looked up at Goku, how promptly shoved a spoonful of food in his mouth in an effort to hide his split lip. Goku had difficulty swallowing however, noticing how dark Sanzo's eyes were. The rain had obviously taken a toll on his mood.

"He did finish them Master Sanzo. He gave them me to return to you." Goku froze as Jiao-long appeared beside him. "Unfortunately, I had put them down in one of the rooms that burned down last night." The look that Sanzo shot the both of them was murderous and Goku couldn't help but flinch. He stared hopelessly as Sanzo stood and left the table.

"See? Think you could muster the courage to tell your precious Sanzo, especially on a day like this?" Goku could hear the smirk in Jiao-long's voice.

"Fuck!" Goku brought his fist down on the table. "Why?" The question wasn't directed at anyone and Goku wasn't referring to anything in particular. He just wanted some sort of answer.

"Now, now, be a good boy and _eat._"

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><p>Goku should have been expecting the acolytes to barge into his room. He should've anticipated they're return, it <em>was<em> after all. But it still surprised him when his door slid open and they came piling in.

"Ready to have some more fun?"

"Yeah, let's have some fun!"

"Aren't you just so happy to see us again?"

Goku's eyes darted back and forth between the boys. He didn't know them, but their voices were familiar. The same ones as the night before. But as Jiao-long stepped into the room, Goku realized that it wasn't going to be the same. Two more boys stepped into the room after Jiao-long.

"You bastard…"

"What? I can't very well be stingy and not share my prize now can I?" Jiao-long grabbed Goku's face and pulled it close to his. "You're too damn precious not to share." He laughed as he shoved Goku backwards.

"But don't worry. We're not looking for the same fun as these boys." One of the new acolytes stepped forward. "See, we're a bit _alternative_ in our methods of fun." Goku watched as he pulled out a sharp knife from his sleeve.

"You have got to be fuckin' kiddin' me."

"Don't worry. We'll wait til you've had your other fun."

"Speaking of," Jiao-long grabbed the back of Goku's throat and threw him on his bed. As soon as he hit the mattress the boys from last night were on him, once again simultaneously holding him down and peeling off his clothes. Goku hissed. They were none too gentle and re-opened some of the scabs, including the ones he'd made when scrubbing his skin earlier.

Again, a voice in the back of Goku's head screamed for him to fight back, but again, Goku knew he couldn't. Besides, what did it matter anymore?

"_What'd you do to your face?"_

"_Ah, uh,"_

"_Obviously being reckless again. Will you ever grow up?" _

"_Sanzo! That's not—"_

"_Save it. I really don't fucking care." _

They'd had that conversation after breakfast, as they passed each other in the hall. It was short, and while Goku hadn't expected it to be much different, the words still felt like a bullet.

"_Save it. I really don't fucking care." _

Those words played over and over and distracted him from reality; from the fact that for the second night in a row he was being used and wounded and corrupted.

That is, until Jiao-long and his three "friends" had had their way, and the new newcomers stepped forward.

"Looks like you had fun." One of them remarked, looking down Goku's body.

"But not nearly enough fun." The other joined.

"I'll let you boys have your fun. Just remember to put out clean sheets when you're done." Jiao-long smiled at the acolytes.

"Now then," they stepped forward, both revealing several small weapons.

"_Save it. I really don't fucking care." _

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><p>Goku hadn't bothered trying to sleep. There was no point to it, not the way his body was hurting. He absentmindedly ran his fingers down his stomach, feeling the lacerations that were made. Some were long, small, some shallow, some deep, but every single one ached and bled. Along with that, he knew he would have an even more difficult time walking normal in the morning than he had earlier.<p>

"_Save it. I really don't fucking care." _

Somehow that hurt the most. It didn't matter how much it hurt, or how much blood he's lost, or how many tears he cried; it wasn't enough to care about.

The next few days were almost exactly like the one before it, though Goku was always already out of the shower before the acolytes came for him, and he had to take more and more care in dressing himself in order to hide the damage. But the for rest of the day, breakfast, a disinterested Sanzo, and a long day of doing nothing but dreading the evening, was the same each day.

And the evenings were the same too. There were no new additions so far, something Goku was grateful for, as if there was anything to be grateful for in his position.

Goku had lost track of the number of days, but one evening the boys were almost finished removing Goku's pants when something inside him snapped. He kicked the acolytes off of him and jumped to his feet.

"Fuck this. I'm not goin' to just sit here an' let you guys continue to beat me and rape me and fuckin' _cut _me like I'm some sliver of meat. You know, maybe I can't tell Sanzo. But I'm not doin' this anymore. I'll fuckin' leave if that's what you want."

There was silence in the room for a little, before Jiao-long let out a long laugh.

"You're so fucking clueless. You think we'd just let you leave? First of all, you really think we'd believe you'd leave Sanzo? You think we'd believe we could?"

"Fuck you! I'm not gonna just sit here and let you use me, always in fear that Sanzo's gonna find out! I'll leave. He'll never find out and I won't have to see your fuckin' faces anymore." Goku felt his fists shake, clenched at his side.

"If you leave, we'll kill him." His fists relaxed.

"What?"

"If you leave, we will kill your precious Sanzo."

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><p><strong>AN (again): Now this chapter, it took a while to write (in one sitting) because I couldn't decide how I wanted Goku to handle this, whether I wanted him to be utterly defeated or just outright bitter. I think I found a happy medium…Most of chapter five is written, I just need to know what you guys think so I can fine-tune it!**


	5. Connections Are More Dangerous than Lies

**A/N: After reading of your reviews, I'm glad I waited to put this chapter up. Everyone's so bloodthirsty and I love it! (I don't like the acolytes either)**

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><p>"If you leave, we will kill your precious Sanzo."<p>

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Oh? Why not?"

"Are you that stupid? You'd kill the high priest and think you wouldn't be caught?"

"See, that's the beauty of it. Officially we wouldn't be his murderers. You would."

"What?"

"How easy do you think it would be for us to make you the killer? Sanzo's a mighty fighter, but he won't be able to stop all of us."

"Are you kiddin'? He'll kick all of your asses!"

"But he won't dare kill a human. We don't have that same mercy. And of course, we'll just blame it on you."

"What the hell is wrong with you? What are you doing in a freakin' temple anyway? You can't tell me you really want to be a monk, not with all the rapin' and killin' goin' on." Jiao-long laughed.

"You dumb boy. That's exactly why I joined this temple. Because I can get away with it. Little did I know such a tasty morsel like you would be gracing the temple too. And now, you're not going anywhere. You're _mine._"

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><p>The nights were getting worse. The boys were rougher, the wounds were more numerous, and the pain was greater. All Goku wanted was for it to just <em>stop<em>. He wanted to figure out a way to make it all end. But Jiao-long had made it perfectly clear: stay put or be framed for Sanzo's murder.

Jiao-long.

Goku had never really known hate before. Sure, he had his fair share of enemies, and he'd gotten into some heated battles with Gojyo. But hate wasn't his thing. Hate was Seiten Taisen's thing. But now that Goku had met and experienced Jiao-long, he was beginning to understand what drove the Sage into fits of slaughter. The thought of killing Jiao-long had crossed his mind many times, but Goku knew that he never would. He'd really be damned for eternity if he killed an acolyte. But that didn't stop his blood from boiling at the sight of him, nor stop his fingers from twitching, longing to lash out, when he heard him.

The boy was simply cruel at best, pure evil at worst. He was hiding behind his status of an acolyte to cover up his dark mind. He had targeted Goku because of his affection for Sanzo, then used that affection to trap him in a torturous cycle. It was unforgivable, but Goku's hands were tied; his legs were afraid to run, and he didn't have anywhere, or anyway, to escape to. Last he heard, Gojyo and Hakkai had settled back into Gojyo's old place, not close but not far from the temple, but there was no way he was going to bring them into this too.

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><p>Goku wasn't sure what day it was, or how long it'd been since it all started, all he knew was that he was lying on his bed, drifting between numbness and pain. Sighing, he pulled on a shirt and his shorts, not really caring if his bleeding had stopped or not. He was getting better at walking normally, and managed to make his way outside with only a slight limp. He hadn't been outside in the past few days, mostly because he was afraid of being seen by Sanzo, or anyone else for that matter. But it was too late in the night for anyone to be out. It was a nice night out; cool and breezy, but he couldn't shake a feeling of loneliness. The only human interaction he'd had lately came from six twisted boys, who'd used them in the darkest, sickest ways possible. He missed Sanzo.<p>

Looking out into the night sky, he wondered how he'd wound up in this position. Looking back a year ago, he never saw this happening. Back then he used to stare up at the stars and just let his mind wander, but it had never come close to imagining this. He'd never thought being near Sanzo would be this painful.

"What the hell are _you_ doing up?" Goku froze. _Shit. He's supposed to be asleep!_ Turning his head slightly, he saw that it was indeed Sanzo standing behind him, lighting a cigarette.

"I uh, I have to go, Really tired." Goku turned and bolted back inside, but Sanzo's hand shot and caught his arm. Goku let out a muffled cry. Sanzo had inadvertently grabbed a deep gash and Goku could feel it rip open again.

"Goku, what the hell? Are you bleeding?" Goku yanked his arm back.

_Oh now he notices? _A mix of hurt and anger flared up in Goku's veins.

"You know what Sanzo? Fuck off. You don't fuckin' care anyway." And with that, Goku turned on his heel and ran back to his room, slamming his door shut and diving onto his bed to bury his face in his pillow and cry.

_Goddammit. I could've just told him. I could've..._

For a while he was afraid that Sanzo would follow him, barge into the room, and demand an explanation, But it never happened, and Goku was free to curl up, eventually falling into a light, troubled sleep.

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><p>"Hey, time to wake up!" Goku hissed as he opened his eyes. One of the acolytes that followed Jiao-long around was standing in his room, a coy smile on his lips.<p>

"Got to hell." Goku snapped.

"Seriously, get up."

"Whatever." Goku slid off the bed and began dressing, careful not to irritate his wounds.

"Wow. We're really doing a number on you, aren't we?" The acolyte asked, examining Goku's body. "I can't really see it in the dark, but wow."

"Proud of yourself?"

"A little, yeah."

"You're sick." Goku marched off to his washroom to wash his face. His body was slowly being torn to pieces, but at least the boys had stayed away from his face.

_Save face…_Goku laughed at the irony.

"So, wanna tell me what was up with last night?" Sanzo asked as Goku took a seat across from him at breakfast.

"Nothing to tell. Just couldn't sleep."

"Whatever." He muttered, irritated.

"Yeah, _whatever_." Goku replied, standing up and leaving the table. His appetite was slowly diminishing and he knew it showed in his weight. Still, if Sanzo didn't notice, Goku couldn't care less.

"Goku."

"What?" He stopped and turned back around. It almost looked like Sanzo was asking him to tell him what was going on, but Goku couldn't say it. He wasn't sure if it was fear, anger, or shame, but something was holding him back.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Jiao-long hissed, pinning Goku against the wall, out of sight and earshot from Sanzo.

"What the fuck is wrong with _you_?" Jiao-long squeezed Goku's arm, the same place Sanzo had during their encounter just hours before. "Did you tell Sanzo something last night? Well _did _you?" Goku felt fingers press into the wound, opening it.

"Fuck! No! I didn't say anything." Goku managed to shove him away, albeit not with much force, and applied pressure to the bleeding.

"Good thing." Jiao-long licked his blood-tipped fingers and walked off, winking as he did.

"Freak." Goku whispered after him.

He made it back to his room and took a seat on his bed. _This place…what the hell have I gotten myself into? Let's see, I was blackmailed into becoming the fuck toy for some twisted little boys, then threatened into remaining so, then turned into a goddamn cutting board. And now I can't even run and all the while Sanzo has no fucking idea._ _It's a fucking nightmare. I'm not eating. Not sleeping. God why can't I just fucking die and get it over with._

"Shit!" He yelled, and flung his fist into the wall. He'd always forbid himself to think thoughts like that, even when facing death in an enemy's face.

"Shit indeed. What are you doing?" Goku looked up. One of the cut-happy acolytes stood in the doorway, arms crossed.

"What the hell do you want?" Goku snapped, not wanting to deal with him anymore than he already had to.

"Well, see, the nighttime visits to this bedchamber is fun and all, but it always leaves me so tired, you know? From being up so late? So we thought we'd start the party early today." Suddenly all six of them, including Jiao-long, flooded into the room.

"You're kiddin' right? Don't you have chores or somethin'?"

"They can wait."

"Yeah, I bet they can."

"Oh shut up. Your backtalk is getting rather annoying." The boys yanked Goku off the bed and began forcefully removing his clothes. The acolytes had always been rough, but this time it was different. They were _aiming_ to hurt him.

"We're gonna try something different today. See, it's been so much fun taking advantage of you Goku. Such a strong person being overpowered by a few boys and flimsy threats. It's empowering, you know that? But I think I can be a bit more powerful? Don't you?"

"I hate you. You'd be dead right now if—"

"If what? If it weren't for Sanzo finding out? If you would be in great trouble for killing a human? Or maybe if you _didn't like it._"

"Oh fuck you!" Goku tried to kick the boys off of him, until he felt something pin his arm down. It was a knife; one of the acolytes had skewered his arm into the floor.

"Calm down, Goku. It'll be easier for both of us."

"You bastard." He felt the knife twist. "Motherfucker!" It was dug into his arm, midway between his elbow and shoulder, barely missing the bone. And it hurt.

"Now, back to my earlier statement, power is like a drug to me. I'm addicted to how much I get when I use you, but I want _more._ And I know what I have to do to get it."

"Does it involve pinning anymore of my limbs to the ground using cutlery?" Goku snarled, trying to ignore the burning sensation in his arm.

"Hmm, that's an interesting idea. Perhaps I can couple it with the one I have in mind." Jiao-long stepped closer to Goku, then knelt beside him. "This…"

Goku felt Jiao-long's fingers brush his forehead and knew what he was referring to.

"No. No fuckin' way."

"Oh yes. Think how powerful I'd be to know that I'm overpowering the Great Sage!"

"Idiot! There's no way you could overpower him!" Goku knew the Sage's power and the destruction he could cause. He never saw through the Sage's eyes, but he could always feel the energy and lust for blood, and the results were always visible when he returned to normal. Gojyo and Hakkai, in his human form, couldn't even handle the Seiten Taisen, so there was no way a couple of boys were going to be able to.

"Yeah. We'll see about that." Fingers curled around his diadem as more boys helped pin him down.

"Please don't." _Oh gods, please don't. Don't do it._

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." _Sanzo?_ Goku opened his mouth to speak, but before the words came out, he heard the sound of metal hitting the floor and everything went red.

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

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><p><strong>AN(again): So you may have noticed that this chapter is shorter than the others, but I decided to split this chapter and the next, so that the chapters don't get bogged down with too many different things going on.**

**This is probably the last chapter that Goku's going to being suffering in (thank goodness! it breaks my heart to do this...) but I can't promise anything. But chapter six should be better for him. Just R&R and thank you all that have! :)**


	6. All You Did Was Save My Life

**A/N: I seriously stared at the screen for sooo long trying to figure out this chapter. I'd write a bit, then pause, erase, write, pause, move on, write, you get the point. Also, I'm re-issuing a chapter or two, because I'm a grammar freak and noticed several typos in past chapters. Just an fyi. Anyway, enjoy. and R&R (like you have been. seriously makes me soooo happy.)**

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><p><em>Blood. Crimson. Blood. Make it bleed. Tear. Slash. Blood. Bleeding. Good. Rip. Crimson. Claw. More blood. Slash. Red. Tear. Tear. Rip. Blood. Yes. Bleed more. Claw. Blood. Slash. Blood. Claw. Tear. Red. Bleeding. Slash. Blood. Yes.<em>

Goku's eyes flew open. _That was…that was Seiten Taisen. _Goku sat up abruptly, or tried, because halfway up he could feel something across his abdomen rip.

"You shouldn't do that, Goku." Surprised at the voice, Goku turned his head towards the source. As he guessed, it was Sanzo, sitting a few feet from his bed. _Bed?_ He looked around. He was in a fairly large room, and lay in the bed. Most of the skin he could see was wrapped in bandages.

"What the hell…?" _What happened? After…_

Goku closed his eyes and tried his best to remember.

_"Yeah. We'll see about that." _

_"Please don't." _

_"I wouldn't do that if I were you." _

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

_"No, Goku. I'm the one who's sorry."_

That's where his memory ended. He had transformed into Seiten Taisen when Jiao-long removed his limiter, and then brought back by Sanzo. He wasn't sure how much time passed in between the two events.

"Is it over?" Goku hadn't meant to ask the question out loud and was surprised when he saw Sanzo close his eyes.

"It's over."

"What happened? Did I…?" _Kill anyone? Hurt you?_ Goku watched as Sanzo stood and approached his bed. He started when he felt a hand rest on top of his head.

"Sanzo?"

"No." Sanzo responded, knowing what Goku was asking.

"Then J—"

"They're gone. All of them." Goku noticed that Sanzo's other hand was clenched in a tight fist.

"Where am I?"

"_Not_ in a shithole of a room they gave you. Something a little nicer. Recovering."

"How long have I been 'recovering'?"

Sanzo looked out the window, judging the sun. "About a day. Now, go back to sleep."

There was so much more Goku wanted to ask, but didn't have the strength to fight the heaviness weighing on his eyes. They could wait.

* * *

><p><p>

It was dark when Goku woke again. He wasn't sure if it was night or early morning, but he did know he was getting restless in the bed.

"Awake?" Sanzo's voice startled Goku and he wondered how he hadn't noticed that the priest was sitting in the chair again.

"You are. How long have you been watching me?" Goku expected a snide response, somewhere along the lines of "I haven't been watching you, you idiot."

But instead he got, "Since I realized that I hadn't been watching enough."

The look on Sanzo's face broke Goku's heart. Never had he seen such sadness in his eyes, not even on the stormiest of evenings. _It doesn't fit him._

"I…I'm so sorry! I'm sorry, so sorry. Gods, I'm so sorry, Sanzo…" The apology was repeated over and over. _Please forgive me. Please. Please don't look at me like that._

"What the hell are you sorry for?" Suddenly Sanzo was standing beside Goku, both hands on his face, tilting his head up so they could make eye contact. Goku struggled to look away, and when unable to, squeezed his eyes shut. _He can't see how pathetic I am. No…_"Goku, look at me. Please." Slowly, Goku forced his eyes open.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered again, failing to hold back the sobs he'd been choking back.

"Goku, why the hell didn't you tell me?" Goku flinched at the sharpness in Sanzo's voice.

"I couldn't."

"Why?"

"I just couldn't! Okay? I just fuckin' couldn't." Goku was surprised at the sudden burst of anger coursing through his veins. He wasn't angry at Sanzo, no, he was angry with himself. "I couldn't," he repeated, calming himself. "They…they always found a way to stop me." He was crying again, remembering how often he'd wanted to tell Sanzo, and the words that always stood in his way.

_"Which do you think he'll believe? That four innocent little acolytes were planning on having some fun and you couldn't really fight back because they'd tell on you, but you did anyway because you were scared? Or that we were serving justice?"_

_ "Haven't you realized that there is nothing you can do? I dare you to try and tell Sanzo the truth. But I bet you my soul that he'll be too disgusted by you to listen. I mean, look at you. You're so weak. So filthy…"_

_ "If you leave, we will kill your precious Sanzo."_

"You…you should've told me."

"And how the hell was I goin' to do that? You weren't exactly bein' open and understandin'!" Goku didn't mean to yell, and he certainly wasn't yelling at Sanzo. It was himself he was yelling at, and he knew he was only using Sanzo to cover his own guilt. "Do you remember when I asked for somethin' to do, because I'd done all the acolytes' chores the day before? Did you even think for a second that there might be somethin' wrong with that picture?" _Did I realize it then?_ "Or that time when I came down for breakfast and you asked me what I'd done to my face? You called me reckless and then told me you 'didn't fucking care.' Remember that?" _And I didn't say anything to make you care._ "Or when you found me outside that night? I was bleedin' and you knew it. I ran from you, but did you even bother to come after me? To actually find out what was wrong?" _When really, I should've just told you?_ "Did you notice how much I wasn't eatin'? How skinny I got?" _I didn't._ "I was fuckin' terrified to tell you, and you certainly weren't makin' it any easier for me." _But that's not your fault._

Goku pulled his head away from Sanzo's hands and buried it in his own. _When did I become so damn weak? They were right. I'm pathetic. _He felt the mattress shift as Sanzo sat on the side of the bed.

"How did this all happen, Goku?" Raising his head, he saw Sanzo staring down at nothing in particular, hands trembling slightly. Goku recognized the look. Sanzo looked lost; he had no idea what to think, couldn't quite put everything together, despite the desperate desire to do so. Goku's stomach sank low; he didn't want to see Sanzo like this. He didn't want to be the reason why Sanzo looked like this.

"I started the fire."

"What?" Sanzo snapped his head back up, meeting Goku's eyes.

"That night. I fell asleep. And the fire broke out. They knew. They already hated me, so they used it as an advantage. I'm sorry."

"Would you stop saying that? What is it you're apologizing for?" Sanzo's hands were once again holding Goku's face.

"I'm sorry that I started the fire. That this happened. I'm sorry for being so damn weak. I'm sorry you hate me."

"_Hate_?" There was a mix of disbelief and shock in Sanzo's voice. "You think I _hate_ you?"

"You've got to! Look at all the damn trouble I've caused!"

"This is not your fault, Goku!" Sanzo paused, gritting his teeth. "If it's anyone's fault, it's mine."

"What? It can't be your fault. You didn't do any of this! You didn't know."

"That's why it's my fault. You were right earlier. I didn't pay attention to any of it. If I had, if only I had…" Sanzo pulled his hands away and they fell to the mattress, tightly clenched.

"Sanzo?" Goku reached out slowly and put his hand over one of the fists. They were shaking; his whole body was shaking. And he was crying. Goku felt his heart twist. "Sanzo, please. Don't…" _Don't cry. Don't cry for me. None of this is your fault._

"Look, Goku. I'm not good with…this." He raised his head up and motioned his hand, in an effort to show that he meant "everything." "But, I'm sorry. I really am."

"Oh Sanzo. Please don't. You don't have to…" Goku was undoing the fist his hand was covering in an effort to hold it properly.

"Yes I do. I need to say this. Because if I don't say this now then I may never be able to swallow my damn pride again and I'll never say it." He took a breath. "You once asked if it was okay that you were here. Then you asked if I was happy here at this temple. I really didn't know the answers then because it never really concerned me if I was happy or not. My coming back to this temple was habitual; it's what I knew and I was too lazy to find anything else. But I think that was the reason I had you come with me. Because without you, this place would drive me absolutely insane." Sanzo opened his palm, allowing Goku's fingers to lace with his. "You are the only thing that makes me feel alive, Goku. And to think that I forgot that, and neglected that, I don't think I could ever forgive myself, let along ask you for forgiveness."

Goku gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "You don't have to ask. You never have to ask for that. I could never hold anything against you." Goku leaned forward and brought their interwoven fingers to his lips, kissing Sanzo's knuckles softly. "You forget that you saved me. You _gave _me life, Sanzo. Maybe you were blind to everything. But sometimes that happens. I was, and am still, blind to many things. But that shouldn't make you hate yourself. Sure, there are many times where I'm furious at myself, but it's how we learn." Goku smiled softly and brushed away the lingering tears on Sanzo's face.

_I could never hate you._

"You…" Goku felt himself being pulled into a tight embrace, felt Sanzo hold him close, felt all the things unsaid be told at once, silently. Pulling away slightly, he adjusted himself so that he was resting on Sanzo's lap, inviting Sanzo to hold him as close as he needed.

"See, this is a little weird. I thought you hated physical contact…?" Goku's voice was teasing.

"Yeah well…Dammit, do I really have to justify this?"

Goku flashed a smile. "Now this is the Sanzo I know. But I kinda like the new one."

"Oh will you please just shut up and let me hold you? I told you, I'm not good with these things and I really don't want to ruin it."

"Of course." Goku locked both arms around Sanzo's neck and let his head rest in the crook of his neck. "So…"

"So what?"

"Tell me what happened. I wanna know." Goku felt Sanzo's body stiffen for a brief second. "What happened after they took off my limiter?"

"Well, you transformed in Seiten Taisen. I think Jiao-long didn't quite realize what he was getting himself into because he looked like he was going to piss his pants."

"Did I hurt anyone?" Goku felt Sanzo wrap his arms tighter around his waist.

"You didn't touch any of the boys, no. I got your limiter back on before the sage became fully aware of what was going on. That's why you're bandaged up; he didn't have time to call the earth and heal."

"And the boys…?"

"They, well, Jiao kind of started yelling at me and tried to fight me. I told them all to get the fuck out of the temple and if they ever came back I'd put a bullet between their eyes."

Goku smirked. "Sounds just like you."

"Yeah. Jiao challenged me, saying I would never shoot a human. So I shot him in the leg and dared him to say that again."

Goku pulled back. "You _shot_ him?"

"I was pissed off, okay?"

"I believe that." Goku settled back into Sanzo's arms. "So, what now?"

"Hn?"

"What's after this?"

"I, I haven't really thought about that. I'm kind of just taking it step-by-step. I'm not kidding when I say that I'm not good with this. This is all new territory. This whole, holding you and articulating my feelings thing, you have no idea how good it feels. But damn, I am so fucking out of my element right now. It's going to take some getting used to, you know?"

"Well, don't force yourself." Goku slowly unlocked his arms and began to move away, before Sanzo caught his arms and brought him back against his body.

"That doesn't mean that I'm not going to. I want to. But I don't think I need to tell you how different everything feels now. That is, if you want me to…"

_You're really doubting that I do?_

"You're insane if you think I have anything against it."

"I don't know what I'm doing. I might fuck it up royally."

"I don't think either of us knows what we're doing. But that kinda makes it fun, like an adventure. It'll be our post-journey journey!" He felt a laugh ripple through Sanzo's body.

"I take back what I said before. You_ have_ changed. But you're still so damn enthusiastic."

"Is that bad?"

"No."

"So, I guess this is the start of the journey. But where are we trying to go? What's our destination?" Goku felt a hand rest on his head, fingers wrapping in his hair.

"Wherever it takes us, I guess. But, I think this is just the pre-journey. I don't think the journey has actually started yet."

"What do you mean? If this isn't the start, what is?"

"Something a little more dangerous." Goku looked up at Sanzo, a little confused. But the glimmer in Sanzo's eye quickly told him everything he needed to know. Goku rose up slightly, his hand steadying himself on Sanzo's shoulder. He waited a moment, for his cue, and when he saw it, when Sanzo slowly leaned in, he closed the gap between them and brought his lips to his.

_Soft._

Goku had always imagined a kiss between him and Sanzo would be fiery and hungry, but this one was gentle, both parties were still a little unsure. Goku would never complain though, because as far as he was concerned, this was better than any dream he could've imagined.

When they finally pulled away, Goku still had trouble unhitching the breath in his throat.

"What do we do now?" Goku asked in a whisper, embarrassed to ask but too uncertain not to.

"Honestly, I have no idea. You're dealing with a total beginner here."

Goku laughed. "This isn't going to be easy, is it?"

"Nope."

"I think I'm okay with that."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So basically Jiao was just a moron. An evil, scheming moron. I know a few of you thought he was an evil entity and honestly, I kinda wish he was, but...he's not. Just a little full of himself. Also, no. This is not the last chapter...unless you guys want it to be. By the way, anyone miss Gojyo and Hakkai?**

**xoxoxo**


	7. The Reasons Why

**A/N: Hello all! Sorry it took, what, a week to post this? I had to move out of my apartment and that took a big chunk out of my free time. Anywho, after about 9240584 rewrites, I've finished chapter seven. Yay! And guess who's baaaaack...**

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><p>"What the hell?" Goku stared at the two figures in the doorway.<p>

"Long time no see, eh monkey?" An all too familiar voice responded.

"Goj…yo? Hakkai? What the hell?"

"It's good to see you too, Goku." Goku turned his attention to Sanzo, who was standing beside his bed.

"What are they doin' here? When did this happen?"

"Figured you might want to see them."

"Haha, I nearly went into shock when Hakkai told me Sanzo actually invited us here." Gojyo teased. Sanzo scowled at him.

"It was a pleasant surprise indeed."

"So, monkey, you been stirring up trouble 'round here?" Gojyo slung his arm over Goku's shoulder.

Goku froze as chills ran up his spine and his skin went numb.

"Get the fuck off of me!" Goku screamed, and leapt out of bed, feeling some of his wounds rip open in the process, and sped past the two men, running until he was under the peach tree. Panting, he leaned himself against it, sliding down and pulling his knees to him. He didn't notice he was crying until he felt the tears wetting his arms. _What the hell just happened? I was so happy and then…_

"Hey." Goku snapped his head up to see Sanzo kneeling in front of him. He touched his knee, which made Goku flinch, but he didn't pull his leg away.

"What's wrong with me?" The question was little more than a shaky whisper.

"Goku." Sanzo moved to place himself beside Goku and pulled him into an embrace. Goku's body went rigid, but eventually relaxed to the point that Goku was clinging to Sanzo's body. "Well, you're bleeding through your bandages. But aside from that, there isn't anything wrong with you."

"There has to be! There has to be somethin' wrong. Why can I let you hold me like this, but as soon as Gojyo touched me I freaked out? God, I got so scared. How is that _not_ wrong?"

"Goku, you aren't doing anything wrong. It's a…" He paused, looking for the right word. "…_Natural_ reaction. What happened was in no way your fault. I don't think I need to tell you that it was a damaging experience but you can't blame yourself for how you react afterwards."

"I don't know what to do." Goku squeezed his arms a little tighter. "What do I do?"

"Take it one day at a time. You're not going to return to normal overnight and it's probably going to suck at times." Sanzo looked down at the ground and lowered his voice. "But I'll be there whenever you need me."

"Are you, are you _blushing_?." A small smile formed on Goku's lips.

"How many times must I tell you that I'm new at this?"

"I know." Goku pressed a small kiss on Sanzo's cheek before standing.

"Come on. We have company. And we need to change your bandages now."

Goku paused. "Do they know about what happened?"

"No. I just told them it'd cheer you up to see them."

"Thank you."

* * *

><p>"Oh <em>hell no<em>." Gojyo yelled as Goku sneakily stole a wonton from Gojyo's plate.

They clashed forks for a bit before Goku relented. "It's okay, Gojyo. You can have it. I was just teasin'.

"You're…letting me have it?" Gojyo had a look of pure shock on his face.

"Yup." Goku flashed a triumphant smile.

"Well now, I never thought I'd see that day that Goku would relinquish food, especially to Gojyo." Hakkai let out a laugh. "It's like old times. Except a little more peaceful."

"I guess both of them finally grew up a little bit." Sanzo added as he stood from the table, heading off to have a cigarette.

"I could use a smoke too." Gojyo rose from the table and made his way out behind Sanzo.

"I don't remember inviting you." Goku heard Sanzo say as they disappeared from sight.

Goku watched them walk off, aware that Hakkai was watching him.

"Goku?"

"What?"

"What on earth have you done to yourself that requires that many bandages?" Goku looked down. He hadn't realized how visible the bandages on his arms and through his white shirt were.

"I, uh, hurt myself?"

_Smooth._

"Do you want me to take a look at them? I guess that's the downside of not having a healer around." Hakkai chuckled. "Those must be painful."

Goku stayed silent. In truth, they _were_ hurting him, more so now that he had re-opened some of them earlier. _But if Hakkai sees them, he'll know. I can't, he can't know. If he knows then…I can't be the weak one anymore. He can't know._"

"I'll be okay. You're a guest. I don't wanna just use you for your healin' abilities." Goku smiled, trying his hardest to make it convincing.

"Goku, is there something wrong?" Hakkai's smile was warm but his eyes were full of concern.

_Dammit. He sees through everything. So damn observant._

"No. Not really. Does there seem like somethin' is? I mean, I haven't noticed anythin' but we all know how amazing your observin' abilities are and whatnot. You tend to see everythin' and anythin', right? But no, I haven't really seen anythin' wrong or different." Goku sighed. He knew he had just rambled, and that was the equivalent of "yes" in Hakkai's world.

"Well, I was just concerned, based on your reaction to Gojyo's and my appearance here and how you're all wrapped up."

"Oh, that? Just shock." _Just shock? That's the best I can do? He totally knows something's up. Dammit, Dammit. Dammit. _

Hakkai laughed. "I understand. Our visit was rather unannounced. But know that the offer still stands. Now let's go find the other two before it's too late and they kill each other." Hakkai pointed in the direction Sanzo and Gojyo had gone.

"Yeah."

Goku had expected that they would be shooting insults at each other and ready to tear each other's throats out, but when he and Hakkai found them, they were doing neither. Granted they weren't chatting like old pals but there was a silence, and surprisingly comfortable, between them.

_I guess I'm not the only one who's changed._

"Well, look who's joined us!" Gojyo exclaimed. He was poised to sling an arm around Goku's shoulders, but stopped himself and let his arm fall back to his side. Goku couldn't help but feel a little guilty at the action.

"So then, shall we play a round of cards?" Hakkai suggested, smiling.

"Every time we play, you end up kicking our asses." Sanzo pointed out.

"Well, perhaps this time the tables will turn."

"Yeah right, Hakkai. You'd have to be dead before any of us could beat you." Goku remarked.

"So no cards?" A faux pout formed on Hakkai's face.

"We never said that." Gojyo poked Hakkai's shoulder.

* * *

><p>Four rounds and an hour later, Goku found himself staring at his cards, debating on whether to raise, call or fold. He shifted, a little uncomfortable with the other three looking at him. He knew they were just waiting, but to him it felt like Sanzo was watching him to make sure he didn't crack, and Hakkai and Gojyo were trying to figure out what was wrong.<p>

"Um, I guess call."

_This is disastrous. They know something's wrong and I can't keep bluffing my way out. It's just like this damn game. I try my best to look strong and sure, but I'm so easy to see through. It's so frustrating to keep things secret, because on the one hand I want to have the upper hand in a situation for once, but on the other it's so much easier just to come out with it. _

"Oi, monkey." Goku snapped his head up. "Show your hand."

"Oh. Goku looked at the others' cards. _Two pair, three of a kind, and of course a straight flush._ "Sorry guys. Guess I wasn't dealt a very good hand this time around. Excuse me." Goku stood and left the room, heading outside. Goku almost laughed when he realized he had automatically walked to the peach tree. _And some things _don't_ change after all._ He began ascending up the tree, settling once he reached a branch sturdy enough to lie on.

_What the fuck is wrong with me? _Goku scratched at his arm; the bandages were making the wounds itch. _Maybe I will have Hakkai heal them_. Goku groaned at the conversation that would bring on. _Maybe not._ He brushed his fingers over the bandages, trying to fight back the shudder that was starting at the base of his spine. Underneath the dressings there were bruises, caused by the too-tight grips, minor scratches, including the ones Goku had made himself after scrubbing his skin raw in the shower, and there were deeper gashes, ones made by knives. Goku could feel each and every one of them and he wanted nothing more for them to be healed up, but it somehow felt _wrong_ to let someone else heal them.

"Yo, Goku. You okay up there?" Goku jumped at the sound of a voice below him. It was Gojyo, and he was leaning up against the tree, staring at him.

"I, uh, yeah. Just needed some fresh air."

"Uh huh."

Before Goku could protest, Gojyo had crawled up the tree, sitting on a branch right below Goku's.

"What are you doin' out here anyway?" Goku sat up and leaned against the trunk.

"I came after you. After you stormed out like that we were all a little concerned. Sanzo was the first to stand up, but I've got longer legs."

"How nice of you. _But_ everythin' is okay so, you can go back now."

"You're forgetting who you're talking to. I spent so many fucking days in the back of that damn Jeep with you; I know when something's bothering you. Granted, back then it was mostly hunger, but still. Spill."

"Gojyo, _there is nothin' wrong_." Goku hissed and sent Gojyo a menacing glare. He'd hoped Gojyo would've just jumped down and gone back inside. But he didn't. He sent back an equally venomous look.

"Goku, don't bullshit me. Something's up."

"And what the fuck do you care? It's my business okay? It does not concern you. It is mine to deal with. All mine. And I can totally deal…" Goku stopped as his voice cracked.

_Oh god no. I am not crying. I am not…_Try as he might, he couldn't stop the tears from forming in his eyes. _Goddammit. This isn't fair._

"Whoa, hey there." Gojyo pulled himself up so he was sitting next to Goku.

"No, no." Goku half-heartedly pushed him away.

"Don't worry. I won't touch. Learned my lesson the last time. But ya gotta let me in. What's wrong?"

"I…can't. I…just can't." The harder Goku fought the sobs, the heavier they became. "I need to…stop…fuckin' cryin' so damn…much."

"Nothing wrong with crying once in a while."

"Too…much lately." Goku was disgusted with himself, and how he couldn't get himself together. _Here I am, in a fucking _peach tree_ bawling my eyes out with none other than _Gojyo_ here by my side. And if he keeps asking, I'm going to end up telling. _

"Everyone can use a good cry. Hell, even I cry once in a long while. I don't care that you're crying, monkey. I wanna know _why_ you're crying."

Goku said nothing, choosing instead to stare at Gojyo, wishing him away.

"Look, we fight all the time and all but you're like the kid brother I never had. And so, I wanna know when bad things are happening to ya. I wanna kick their ass."

"Sanzo already did that."

"What?"

"Well, technically he shot him in the leg." Goku had finally managed to stop his crying and was taking deep breaths, fixing his composure.

"Holy shit! He did _what_?"

"Shot. Him. In. The. Leg."

"Who?"

"This guy. Kinda had a little trouble with."

"Were you stealing food or something?"

Goku's cheeks grew hot. "_No_ Gojyo. I did not steal food."

"Alright, alright. So then, what kinda trouble did you have?"

Goku took a deep breath. "Well, he hated me. Actually, I think he hated everythin' but himself. Anyway, he was fucked up. Like, super-dooper fucked up. Think Priest Ukoku, but younger, much less charismatic, and with less tact."

"Sounds like quite the guy."

"Yeah. Well this guy, Jiao, got a few of the other acolytes together and…oh gods. I can't do this."

The mention of Jiao-long's name brought back the still-fresh memories. Memories of his skin on Goku's skin, and he breath hot on Goku's neck, the wicked gleam in his eyeand sound of a smirk in his voice, overwhelmed Goku, and he found himself retching over the side of the branch.

"Hey there now"

"I have to go." Goku jumped down from his branch and ran back into the temple, trying to find his way to Sanzo's room. His heart sunk when he found that he was not there, but still entered the room and made his way to the washroom to rinse out his mouth. Wiping his mouth clean, he looked up into the mirror.

_This is…_Goku dragged his fingers down his cheek. _This is the face of someone so weak he let himself be used. I am that person. I am…_Jiao-long's words began replaying in his ears. _I am useless. I am filthy. I am…his?_

"Goku? What are you doing in here?" Sanzo's face came into view in the mirror.

"Sanzo?" Goku turned and grabbed a hold of his robes, yanking him down.

"Wha—" A forceful kiss delivered by Goku cut his question off and caught him of balance. Goku was pouring himself into the kiss, all the while pulling Sanzo as close to him as possible, with one hand grabbing tightly to his robes and the other tangled in his hair.

"Whoa. Goku, settle down." Sanzo panted, finally able to break himself free. "Also, what the fuck was that?"

Goku could hear his heart drumming in his ears as well as pound in his chest. He knew how erratic his actions were, but the adrenaline and something in the back of his mind kept him from controlling himself. He reached for Sanzo again, but this time Sanzo's hands caught him.

"But."

"Goku, stop."

"…_I bet you my soul that he'll be too disgusted by you to listen. I mean, look at you. You're so weak. So filthy."_

"No. No!" Goku's knees gave out and he crumpled to the floor.

"Hey," Sanzo reached out to touch his shoulder.

"No!" Goku smacked his hand away, then brought his own back to hide his face in. "I get it now. Pity. It's pity isn't it?"

"What?"

"All of this, this _niceness_, it's all pity." Letting out a loud laugh, Goku brought his head up so he could see Sanzo. "I'm just a filthy little rat, aren't I? It's like déjà vu, isn't it? You find the filthy child and coddle it back to health, right? Isn't that how the story with us goes?"

"I don't understand what it is you're trying to say." Sanzo once again reached for Goku's shoulder. His hand was met with Goku's who snaked his fingers around Sanzo's wrist and pulled him down so their faces were only a few inches away.

"Don't touch me." Goku smirked and brought his head up so his lips were almost brushing against Sanzo's. "I don't need your pity. You can cut the act now." With asudden burst of energy, Goku shoved Sanzo backwards then rose to his feet and turned his back on Sanzo.

_I__t really was all pity wasn't it? Jiao-long was right. I am his, and Sanzo will forever think of me as some disgusting little toy. I should have known._

Goku felt something snag his shoulder and was surprised to see that it was Sanzo.

"I thought I told—"

"You are a fucking idiot." Sanzo spun Goku around so they were facing each other. "You think I'm doing this out of _pity_? Of all things, you think I would pity you? This isn't pity you stupid…it's not pity. You think I would go through the damn trouble to start being not-an-asshole because I pitied you? It wouldn't be worth it!"

"Well then, if it's such a goddamn bother…" Goku moved to pull Sanzo's hand off his shoulder, but Sanzo took hold of his face with his other hand, effectively locking Goku into place.

"Let me finish dammit. For one, I don't do the whole 'pity' thing. And secondly, it wouldn't be enough to inspire this change or whatever. Think. Obviously there's some stronger emotion there than pity, don't you think?"

Goku settled his hand on top of Sanzo's. "But Jiao-long said that…"

"Fuck what he said. I really wish I had shot him somewhere higher if I knew he'd messed this far with your head."

"So, it's not pity? Then what is it? If it's not pity, if it's supposedly something stronger, then why are you pushing me away?"

"Are you that blind?" Goku winced at the force in Sanzo's tone. Sanzo must have seen, because he lowered his voice back down. "You idiot. I can't act on it now. It's not right."

"Act on what?"

"Goku, I can't fucking go around kissing you like that, no matter how much I'd want to. It's too soon. I love you too much to take advantage of you like that."

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><p><strong>AN (again): So that's chapter seven, the one that took a damn week to write. Oh and don't worry, Gojyo and Hakkai will stick around a little longer (they seriously didn't get enough screen time). 3**


	8. Different Names For the Same Thing

**A/N: So yeah, it's been a little while since I've updated. Sorry about that. I've been a little busy unpacking and packing and cleaning and subbing videos. Getting ready to leave for Tennessee. Any of you guys from Tennessee (probably not). Anywho, this chapter is a little short because it's actually half of the original idea I had for the chapter, but I need your feedback on this. So...**

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><p>The only thing moving in Goku's body was his heart slamming into his ribcage, and the butterflies threatening to rip open his stomach. Even his eyes were frozen, locked onto Sanzo's,<p>

"_I love you too much to take advantage of you like that."_

"_I love you."_

"_I love…"_

"…_love…"_

"…love…?" Goku's voice barely managed to be audible. Goku watched as Sanzo squeezed his eyes shut and dropped his head.

"Yeah."

Something akin to electricity coiled around Goku's skin and shot through his body, and he found himself on the floor and pulling Sanzo down in a crushing embrace. He knew that he'd fallen hard on knees and was probably squeezing a little too tightly, but none of it mattered to him.

"I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you!" Goku chanted over and over unable to stop saying it. He was finally silenced when he felt Sanzo pull away, only to pull Goku closer once he had settled into a comfortable sitting position. "I love you, Sanzo."

"So I've heard."

Goku growled. "…Asshole. That was a total mood kill." He pushed away and gave Sanzo a frown. "You couldn't have come up with somethin' a little better?"

"Baby steps, Goku. Baby steps. Not used to this. I'm gonna get it wrong a lot."

"Yeah well, I guess I am too, so…" Goku's voice trailed off as he rested his head on Sanzo's chest and sighed. _This is so damn surreal._

"It's a journey, remember? That's what you told me. That's what we decided. So I guess you could say we've fallen off the path a little. Or something like that."

Goku snorted. "If you could ever say there was a clear-cut path to begin with. But anyway, I'm hungry."

"Typical."

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><p>Goku stared down at his plate, picking at what little food was left on his plate. Dinner hadn't necessarily been awkward, but there was an air of suspicion surrounding the table. And most of it was fixed upon him. Both Hakkai and Gojyo were still wondering what had happened, Gojyo now so more than ever. And Sanzo, Goku felt that Sanzo was trying to figure something out, though Goku didn't know what. It was unsettling to say the least.<p>

And on top of it all, Goku found himself preoccupied with his own thoughts. He wanted to know what was happening between him and Sanzo. As much as he tried not to think or worry about it, it was constantly gnawing at the back of his brain, worming its way into his thoughts. _I know that neither of us is really sure what's going to happen…but that doesn't mean I can't wonder about it. He says he…_loves_ me, and I know I love him but, is it that simple? Why doesn't he want to at least put some sort of label on it? Or rather, why do I want to so badly? _

He turned his attention back to the others, all of whom seemed to be musing themselves. He watched as Sanzo fumbled with his robes, fingers itching for a cigarette, then turned his attention to Hakkai and Gojyo. Hakkai was finishing tidying up the table, while Gojyo leaned back, stretching out. Then it happened. Both of them cracked their eyes open at the same time, and the moment they met, they exchanged a warm smile. It was small and had Goku not been paying any attention, he surely would have missed it.

_Of course. _

"Hey Hakkai?"

"Yes, Goku?"

"I'm gettin' all itchy over here. Could you maybe look at my wounds later?" Goku bit his lip, knowing that Hakkai was going to ask questions and though they might be silent questions, Goku was still going to have to answer them.

A look of surprise flickered across Hakkai's face for a brief second. "Sure thing. I can do it now if you want."

"Sounds great." Goku noticed Sanzo cast a worried look his way before following Hakkai back to his room.

"Need my help?" Gojyo called after them.

"I don't think that will be necessary. Thank you Gojyo."

The rest of the walk was silent. Goku was doing his best not to change his mind and Hakkai was just being polite. Goku could feel the nervousness start ebbing through his chest and seriously thought about telling Hakkai not to worry about it.

_But I have to do this…_

Goku took a seat on the bed.

"I'm actually surprised you asked, Goku. After breakfast I thought you'd decided to tend to them yourself."

"Yeah. I did too."

"So then, why'd you ask now?"

Goku shifted. "Well, the thought of it felt weird. For someone else to heal these." Goku rested his hand on his stomach atop a bandage. "But, now I think it's just best they be healed."

"I see. Well, I'm ready whenever you are."

Goku removed his shirt with shaking hands, then rested them in his lap. "Can I ask you somethin', Hakkai?"

"Mm?" The familiar glow of chi lit the room.

"What are you and Gojyo?" The glow of the chi flickered.

"What?"

"Oh, Hakkai."

"I see, Goku. Sometimes I forget how much you've matured. I didn't think you'd notice something like that." Goku could feel some of his wounds closing. "But if you must know, he and I are lovers."

_Lovers. Ones that love._

"Would you call him your boyfriend?"

"I wouldn't, but I suppose some people might…" Curiosity was seeping into Hakkai's voice.

"Why wouldn't you call him that?"

"Because I don't need to. Labeling it isn't going to change anything; it's unnecessary." Hakkai began healing Goku's lower abdomen. Goku cringed. Soon he'd know. "Why the interest?"

"Because, well, it's a long story."

"Does it have to do with these wounds?" Hakkai made a small motion towards the lower half of Goku's torso.

"Yeah. A little."

"Goku, what happened?" Goku looked up into Hakkai's eyes. There was no running away from this. The urge to confide in Hakkai was too strong; it overpowered the feeling of shame Goku held.

"Um, well, when Sanzo and I got back to the temple, the monks and acolytes, they still kinda hated me. And well, they forced me into bein' their little pet,"

"I take it these were made by them?"

"Yeah."

Goku heard Hakkai sigh as he finished his work and sat on the bed next to Goku.

"Done."

"Thank you."

"So these boys, they had their way with you?"

"Yeah."

"So then, the questions about Gojyo and I…?"

Goku looked down at his hands. "Hakkai, you've known, haven't you? You've known that I'd fallen in love with Sanzo before you'd ever met us, haven't you?"

"Well, yes. I had that idea." A quick glance toward Hakkai showed Goku that the pieces were beginning to click in Hakkai's brain.

"I'm just not sure what to do."

"What's the problem?"

"I love him. And I'm pretty sure he loves me. But, I don't understand why I want more than that. I want a name for it. And I know he doesn't. I just don't understand why I can't let it be."

"You're just a little overwhelmed and probably a little scared. You want the reassurance that a name will give you. But give it a little time, Goku. Neither of you are going anywhere. It'll work out. You don't need a name for something like you two have."

Goku smiled. "Thank you, Hakkai." Goku stood and made for the exit. "And congrats, to you and Gojyo." He added.

As soon as he was far enough away from Hakkai's room, Goku leaned up against the wall and slowly slid down. He began peeling away the unnecessary bandages. It was good to see his skin again, and even better to see it not covered in bruises and blood. He was happy he'd been able to muster enough courage to have that talk with Hakkai. Only he could have answered Goku's questions and not asked too many questions of his own.

_He's right. I guess I am a little overwhelmed. And I'm most certainly _not_ going anywhere. Patience. Healing. _

Goku sat against the wall for a while, reveling in the silence. In was the first time in a while he'd been able to think without fear that his thoughts would lead him back to those memories. He knew that it was going to be a long way until he recovered, but at least he was moving forward.

Goku smiled and rose, finding his way back to Sanzo's room. He found the priest sitting on his bed, reading.

"Goku. How'd it go with Hakkai?" His tone gave it away that he'd been worried about him.

Goku lifted his shirt over his head and spun around. "All healed up. See?" Goku hopped up on the mattress and sat facing Sanzo.

"Yes. That's good."

"It really is. I guess he couldn't prevent scarrin' though." Goku ran his finger across a white scar, starting below his ribcage. It stopped at the bottom of his hips and Goku shuddered, remembering the night he'd received the cut. He started when he felt Sanzo's hand cover his.

"Don't think about it. We all have scars. It just means we're strong enough to live."

"Yeah." Goku wrapped his arms around Sanzo's chest, enjoying the soft music Sanzo's heartbeat made. "Hey Sanzo?"

"What?"

"I think we're back on the right path."

"Yeah?"

"Mhm. But I still have no idea where we're going."

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><p><strong>AN(again): So back to why this is a shorter chapter, I aim to please my readers, and before I finishing writing and publish the next bit, I need your input. Yes or No to a love scene between Sanzo and Goku? A "lemon" if you will. Yay? or Nay? Any other comments are more than welcome, as always! xoxoxox**

**p.s. I promise to update faster this time!**


	9. The Night Will Go As Follows

**A/N: So...who wants to kill me for being gone so long? How long was did I make you guys wait? FOREVER? Yeah I know. I was always one of those people like "oh, look, that author is "busy with school" pffftt" but now I know. I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS to maintain school and writing. But if it makes a difference, this chapter was always open, ready to be finished...and here it is. IT'S FINALLY DONE. Personally, I like it. But please, let me know your thoughts. Oh and p.s. I love all of you for waiting! (seriously).**_  
><em>

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><p><em>Goku gritted his teeth to muffle a scream as Jiao-long ran a knife up his thigh. Goku couldn't stop the shiver that ran through him when the boy ran his finger down his bleeding skin and brought it back to his lips. After one small lick, he ran it across Goku's mouth, smiling wickedly. Jiao-long pushed into Goku suddenly as another acolyte came up behind him and began drawing patterns into Goku's back with a small razor.<em>

"_Do you understand now? Do you understand that you're mine?" Jiao-long whispered, pushing further into Goku._

_It took all of Goku's strength, but he managed to let out a "…fuck…you…" _

"_Ha ha. No, no, Goku. Fuck you."_

"_Go…to hell."_

"_Stop fighting it, Goku. You are mine. That's it."_

"_No I'm…not."_

"_You don't get it do you? You think Sanzo's gonna come save you? I've got news for you, pet. He's not going to."_

_Goku's eyes widened as Sanzo stepped into view._

"_He's right Goku. I want nothing to do with you. You're filthy. I hate you."_

With a violent start, Goku's eyes flew open and began to investigate the room. He sat up and brought a trembling hand to brush back the wet hair in his face. His breath was ragged and he could feel the tears drying on his cheeks.

_It was…a dream? _Goku fell back onto his mattress, suddenly feeling drained of all energy, but every time he closed his eyes, the images flooded back.

_Oh to hell with this._ Goku furrowed his brows, trying to tell himself that he was annoyed and not scared by the dream. Eventually scared won out and Goku was doing his best not to let himself cry again. Slowly he rose to his feet and made his way to Sanzo's room, leaning against the wall for support the whole way. After what seemed like forever, Goku reached the room and quietly closed the door behind him. He hated himself for what he was doing, running like a scared child, but he felt too powerless not to, so he softly sat on the edge of Sanzo's bed, watching the priest sleep.

"Sanzo…" Goku whispered, half hoping Sanzo wouldn't hear him and wouldn't wake up.

"Nn?" Sanzo's eyes cracked open and he stared up at Goku. "What's wrong?"

"I…I had a bad dream." Goku bit down on his lip, knowing that he sounded like a kid saying that and wished he could've put it a bit more poetically. "Can I sleep here with you?"

Goku was expecting Sanzo to refuse, or at the very least pause before making a decision, but as soon as he had asked the question, Sanzo had simply blinked before opening the covers, inviting Goku in. Slowly, he lifted himself in, flinching when his skin brushed against Sanzo. He closed his eyes and reminded himself over and over that this was Sanzo, but he couldn't quite convince himself.

"Are you okay?" Goku knew that Sanzo already knew the answer and was simply letting him know that he was there to listen, but even with the invitation, Goku was unable to speak. He sat half in the bed, staring at the small space between his arm and Sanzo's.

"Could you…_move_?" Goku's voice squeaked on the last word, not sure if it was from embarrassment or shame. He squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to see Sanzo's reaction and prayed that he wasn't hurt or offended.

"Yeah."

Goku cracked one eye open and watched Sanzo slide over, offering Goku the majority of the bed.

"Thanks." Goku lowered himself on the bed, facing Sanzo and mirroring his position.

_I'm being so stupid right now._ Goku reached his hand out to touch Sanzo's shoulder, but couldn't manage to close the last few millimeters between them. Goku sighed and closed his eyes. _So, so stupid. This is dumb. Just…_

"Hey." Cracking his eyes, Goku saw Sanzo ever so slightly touch his fingers to the tips of Goku's. "Bad dream, huh? What happened?"

"I don't…I can't." Goku slid his eyes back shut and moved his hand under his chest. Try as he might, Goku couldn't stop the images from flowing back into his mind. It brought back the same feelings he'd had after the boys had left, something Goku wished he'd never feel again. _I didn't ever want to think about that…I don't ever want to think about it. Why? Why can't it just stay out of my head? Why can't it just all go away? I don't want to be like this anymore!_

"I don't want to be like this!" Goku repeated aloud, reaching out and pulling his face into Sanzo chest, not bothering to muffle the sobs that were nearly choking him.

"It's o— "

"Don't. Don't say it's okay. Because it's not. I'm not okay Sanzo! I wouldn't be havin' these dreams if I was okay! This would have never had happened if I was fuckin' okay!"

Goku wanted to pull away and run until his legs collapsed, but instead he found himself clinging to Sanzo, knuckles white and eyes squeezed shut. _Dammit. Dammit_.

"I suppose not, but it wasn't your fault this happened."

"Shut up! You don't— "

"No, Goku. It's your turn to shut up. This. Was. Not. Your. Fault. I don't care what those fucking bastards told you. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize dammit! How many times must I tell you that?"

"I don't know!" Goku brought a hand up to cover his face, shaking his head. "I don't know. I just…what else can I do besides apologize? I've put you through hell with all of this."

"You think I hold this against you? I wouldn't be here if I didn't care. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are; I'm going to be here."

"Goddammit!" Goku punched the mattress, hard enough to rattle the bed frame. "This is so fucked up. It's like a fuckin' cycle. Bad thing happens to me, I come to you, you comfort me, I apologize, you say it's okay, and repeat. I'm sick of bein' like this. I just want to be normal again."

A brief silence settled between them as Goku tried his hardest to stop shaking and regain his composure.

Sanzo finally spoke after three minutes of dead air, "For what it's worth, you were never really normal to begin with…" Goku scoffed at the joke, letting a small smile form on his lips.

"Thanks for that you ass." Goku gave Sanzo's shoulder a gentle shove, then skimmed down his arm until he was lightly grazing his fingers over Sanzo's hand, testing to see if skin to skin contact would make him sick again.

"Your fingers are cold."

"Oh, sorry." Before he could retract his hand, Sanzo had it in his, squeezing it.

"I thought I told you to stop apologizing."

Goku instinctively jerked his hand back, breaking the contact. Both he and Sanzo were quiet, trying to process what had just happened.

_What was that? I flinched…from Sanzo…again? _Goku looked up at him, his eyes, brimming with tears, begging for forgiveness.

"One step forward, two steps back." Goku whispered. "What is wrong with me." This time, it wasn't a question, but more of an acknowledgement to himself. "This needs to stop." Slowly, he reached out and curled his fingers around Sanzo's hand. _This is Sanzo. This is Sanzo…_Goku repeated to himself. He was so intently focused on not pulling away that he hadn't felt Sanzo's arm wrap around his waist, nor noticed the soft kisses Sanzo was planting on his temple.

"Goku."

Opening his eyes, Goku looked at Sanzo, unsure of what he was going to say.

"I love you."

Goku felt his heart stop.

"I don't care how long it takes, we'll get through this. I promise you that." Goku, through tear-blurred eyes, watched as Sanzo formed his words carefully.

"Sanzo…" Resting his head on Sanzo's shoulder, Goku let the tears fall and roll down his cheeks, still slightly stunned. "Thank you, Sanzo. I know, I know that that couldn't have been easy for you to say."

"It was easier than I thought." Sanzo lifted Goku's chin with two fingers and locked their stares.

"I love you so much, Sanzo. Thank you." Sanzo nodded and leaned his head forward, close enough to brush his lips against Goku's. Goku sighed softly and kissed back,wrapping both arms around Sanzo's shoulders.

_This is Sanzo. My Sanzo._ Goku wanted to memorize everything about the kiss, from the surprisingly softness of Sanzo's lips to the way they would occasionally bump teeth, both still needing to perfect their timing. Goku wanted to remember how easily Sanzo's tongue slid along his bottom lip and how he would shudder slightly if Goku pressed his fingers into his back at the right places. Remembering all of it would be hard though, because as far as Goku was concerned, once he started kissing Sanzo, he couldn't think of anything else.

"Goku." Sanzo said suddenly, breaking the kiss.

"What?" Goku immediately responded, before he realized why Sanzo had stopped. Goku had let his instinct think for him, and it had resulted with him straddled atop Sanzo's lap with both of them breathing heavy and on the verge of crossing the line Sanzo had made very clear he didn't want to chance crossing.

"Dammit." Sanzo cursed, annoyed.

Goku winced, not sure if any of Sanzo's irritation was directed at him or not. "I'm sorry, Sanzo." Goku leaned in to give Sanzo a soft kiss on the cheek in apologies, but Sanzo brought his hand to his chest and stopped him.

"Just get off."

Tears stung his eyes as Goku sat up a little straighter readying himself to move, but he paused before he moved off of Sanzo's legs.

"You want to know what I dreamt about, Sanzo?" Goku looked up at Sanzo. "I dreamt about Jiao again. I dreamt about him rapin' me and how that made me 'his.' I don't want to be his anymore…" Goku's voice trailed off but his eyes stayed locked on Sanzo's eyes. "This isn't goin' to stop unless I know he no longer possesses me."

"But he doesn't possess you anymore Goku. He's gone!"

"But he _does_ still have me! I just…can't be his anymore. Please Sanzo. I love you. I'm not askin' you this out of lust. But I can't belong to him anymore. Every time I feel some brush up against me, it's always goin' to be him I think of. I hate that. I hate that I'm pushin' you away because of it. Please Sanzo, please, make me yours."

Silence settled in the room as Sanzo processed what had just been said and Goku waited for his response.

"I don't want to hurt you." Sanzo whispered finally.

"You won't. I love you Sanzo. I trust you."

"Okay." Goku smiled softly as Sanzo leaned up and kissed him.

Once again, Goku let his instincts take control and propped himself up on one arm while using the other to remove Sanzo's shirt. His heart was beating faster than he'd ever felt it before, but paid no attention to it as he moved his mouth down to Sanzo's neck. Sanzo placed a hand on both of Goku's hips and pulled him forward a little, gasping at the delicious friction it caused. He gently lowered Goku down on his back before mimicking his actions and placing wet kisses on Goku's collarbone as his finger's reached the waistband of Goku's shorts. Sanzo felt Goku's body tense for a split second and immediately froze.

"It's okay." Goku covered Sanzo's hand in his own. "I'm okay." Sanzo nodded, but hesitated before resuming. Noticing this, Goku slowly raked his fingers down Sanzo's spine and raised his hips as Sanzo instinctively flexed his. _It's okay Sanzo. I want this. I do I want nothing more than to be yours._ Moving his hand from his back to his chest, Goku ran his fingers across the outline of Sanzo's muscles, inching his way down until he brushed up against the fabric of Sanzo's pants, then slowly sliding his palm against the heated flesh underneath. Sanzo let out a barely audible hiss before tugging off Goku's shorts and running a hand up his thighs.

"Goku. I don't have…" Goku looked up at Sanzo, knowing why he was suddenly worried. Goku cupped Sanzo's face and brought him down for a kiss before finding his hand and bringing it up to his lips. Gently he slid Sanzo's index and middle finger into his mouth, slowly rolling his tongue over them. Goku felt the grip on his leg tighten and rolled his hips again, this time pulling down Sanzo's pants so their aching flesh could meet. Sanzo retracted his fingers from Goku's mouth and lowered them down between his legs. He never broke eye contact as he pushed one finger into Goku as gently as he could. Goku did his best to relax and focused on the butterfly kisses Sanzo was placing on his ears and neck. He felt Sanzo insert a second finger and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out both the pain and memories that flooded his mind.

"Don't." Goku said, grabbing Sanzo's wrist before he could pull his fingers out. He opened his eyes and gave Sanzo a shy smirk. "I said I'm okay. Keep going." He placed his hand around Sanzo's erection and stroked, further encouraging him. Sanzo complied, moving himself to Goku's entrance.

"Stop me if I hurt you." Sanzo kissed Goku deeply as he pushed into him. Goku let out a cry into Sanzo's mouth but locked his legs around Sanzo to prevent him from pulling out.

"I love you, Sanzo." Goku breathed, breaking the kiss only briefly. Sanzo remained still for a bit, letting Goku relax and get used to him. Finally Goku grabbed at Sanzo's hips, letting him know it was okay to move. Sanzo was slow at first, but Goku eventually started matching his pace, which then quickened. Moans from both of them were lost in their dancing tongues and ragged breaths until Sanzo curled around Goku's member and began matching their rhythm. Goku pulled back from the kiss and called out Sanzo's name as his orgasm hit, followed seconds later his own name being yelled and feeling Sanzo release inside him.

"I love you, Goku." Sanzo whispered, and rested his head on Goku's chest as he pulled both of them on their side.

Goku let out a small sob, which alarmed Sanzo. "No, no. It's okay." He looked up at Sanzo with a small smile. "I love you. Thank you so much." Goku's smile grew and he allowed his eyes to fall shut, reveling in the sound of their slowing breaths and warmth of Sanzo's arms. He snuggled closer against Sanzo's chest, against his lover, and let himself sleep.


	10. Do You Know What I'm Seeing

**A/N: Guess who's baaaaaaack? So, I know this was a little later than I'd hoped for, but it would've been up sooner had I actually had internet when I returned home from school. I have learned just how dependent we humans are on the 'net. I thought I might die. I have so much tumblr to catch up on it's really not funny...well anyway, here's chapter 10. Enjoy!**

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><p>When Goku first opened his eyes, he thought he was still dreaming. He hadn't woken up feeling so peaceful in weeks, but after a few blinks of his eyes he started questioning if he really was awake. The soft sounds of breathing from the warm body beside him were what told him this was no dream. He looked over, finding Sanzo still sound asleep, one arm thrown across his body, hand resting gently on Goku's chest. Goku wondered if Sanzo could sense his heartbeat. Curious, he sat up a little and placed his palm against the smooth surface of Sanzo's bared chest. To his amusement, he felt the soft bump-bump-bump of Sanzo's heart, faster than he expected it to be.<p>

"Good morning to you too." Goku let out a yelp of surprise. So that was why.

"You're up? How long have you been awake?"

"Long enough." Sanzo replied, eyes still closed. Goku pulled back his hand quietly, slightly embarrassed.

"Sorry about that…I just like reassurance that you're alive."

Sanzo rolled over on his side and met Goku's gaze. "Of course I'm alive dummy." He wound his fingers in between Goku's, bringing his hand back to his chest. "See?"

Goku smiled, both at the gesture and at the fact that not once had he flinched. _Progress_. Goku replayed what had happened a few hours before; Sanzo had made love to him. He no longer belonged to Jiao-long, no; he was wholly Sanzo's now, a fact that made Goku giddy with bliss. He tried to put a hold on his thoughts, as he couldn't help but remember how warm Sanzo's body had been and how good he felt.

"Hey Sanzo, about last night…" Goku saw a look of worry flash behind those amethyst eyes. _He's worried that he hurt me…_Goku placed a soft kiss on Sanzo's lips, a smile forming when he pulled away. "Don't look so worried. I mean to thank you."

"I didn't hurt you, did I?"

There was something, a look of concern, in his expression that made Goku's stomach do a somersault. He knew what it meant; it meant that Sanzo loved him. He loved him enough to set aside his own desire to make sure he was okay. Goku felt the butterflies in his stomach flutter down to his groin.

"No." Goku leaned his body towards Sanzo, placing an elbow on either side of him and stared into his eyes. Sanzo gasped as Goku began to gently bite at his skin, starting at his lips and trailing down his neck to his ear. "I love you." He breathed, happy with the goose bumps that began to rise across Sanzo's flesh.

Goku didn't really understand why his body was responding the way it did; it confused him that he was so quickly turned on by Sanzo. He loved Sanzo with everything he had, that was certain, and even though they had made love the night before, he knew he shouldn't be throwing himself into sex too fast. _I'll refrain for now…_Goku thought, noting that despite how gentle Sanzo had been, his body was still a little sore. _But…_Goku looked at the blonde beneath him who was letting Goku do as he pleased, despite his own growing arousal. "You've been so good to me Sanzo." Goku shifted so that he was sitting on Sanzo's legs and resumed delivering love bites, only this time his mouth travelled down his chest, then followed the trail leading to Sanzo's member, now fully erect.

"Goku…"

"Let me be good to you." Goku grinned mischievously and before Sanzo could reply, Goku had swiftly taken him in his mouth. A cry of surprise and pleasure leapt from Sanzo's throat, providing more encouragement to Goku. He briefly remembered how some of Jiao-long's boys had forced him into this act, but he was brought back to the present when one of Sanzo's hands buried itself in his hair. _None of that matters. Only Sanzo matters._ Goku focused on relaxing his throat so that he could take more of the priest and made sure to never stop moving his tongue. His actions were rewarded by a muffled moan, followed by the sweet sound of his name being called with such need. He continued experimenting with his methods, mentally noting which ones made the hand in his hair tighten and which caused the lustful noises to spill from Sanzo's mouth. Finally he felt Sanzo reach his peak as his hand yanked at Goku's hair, then tasted a smooth warmth bloom in his mouth. Once Sanzo's body had started to relax, Goku pulled away, licking his lips and smiling.

"Goku that…was incredible." Sanzo reached out and pulled him in for a crushing kiss. Goku was sure Sanzo could taste himself, but the way his tongue pressed against Goku's suggested he didn't care. "Thank you."

Goku opened his mouth to tell him he was certainly welcome, but his voice was cut off when another floated in from down the hall.

"Breakfast is almost ready you lazy bums!" Gojyo's voice boomed from outside the door. Goku blanched for a second, wondering if he'd actually come in, but relaxed when he heard footsteps moving away from the room. Sanzo just scowled, obviously not happy to have his intimate morning with Goku interrupted.

"I guess that means we have to get up now." Goku whispered, rolling off of Sanzo and onto his back beside him.

"Yeah. I think we both need a shower first though."

"But breakfast…"

"_Shower._"

"Fine." Stuck his lip out in a half-hearted pout, he got to his feet and made his way to the wash room.

"Hey." Goku turned around only to come nose to nose with Sanzo, who caught Goku's lips with his own. "Don't use all the hot water."

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><p>"So you two took your sweet old time waking up this morning." Gojyo remarked as Goku took his seat at the table.<p>

"I guess so."

"Speaking of, where is his Holiness?" Hakkai gave Gojyo a warning glance, warning him not to let his sarcasm go too far.

"Showerin'."

"Uh huh."

"Did you sleep well, Goku?" Looking up from his plate, Goku saw that Hakkai had a knowing look in his eyes.

"Yes." He swallowed the forkful of food in his mouth. "And you? Is the temple treatin' you well?"

"Oh yes. They have been most accommodating."

"Bastards better well be." Goku started as Sanzo suddenly appeared behind him. He watched him take his place but felt his cheeks grow warm when he noticed the purplish marks above the collar of his robes.

_Oops._ Goku looked back and forth between Hakkai and Gojyo, but neither gave any indication that they had noticed.

"Oi, monkey, how about we have a sparring match after breatkfast?" Gojyo suggested.

"You better be prepared to get your ass kicked if you keep callin' me monkey."

"Bring it." Both quickly finished their meals and Goku could feel the adrenaline begin to pump through his body. It had been far too long since he had had a decent sparring match. He needed to let out some frustration.

"Let's do it then." He and Gojyo stood up and began to make their way outside.

"Now now, make sure you don't kill each other. I don't want to end up having to heal any broken bones."

"No promises!" Both answered.

"So monkey, you ready for this? Hope you haven't gotten too rusty." Gojyo taunted when they reached the temple courtyard.

"I told you that you were goin' to get your ass beat if you called me that." Goku took the initiative and darted towards Gojyo, who shifted into a defense position.

"Yeah well, we'll see about that." Gojyo easily blocked Goku's attack but failed to land a punch of his own on his opponent. It wasn't long before the two were beginning to break a sweat, trying to match each other throw for throw and kick for kick. Unfortunately for Gojyo, Goku had a little more agility and managed to knock one of his legs out from under him and pinned him to the ground.

"Still gonna call me 'monkey'?" Goku grinned down at the pinned half-breed.

Gojyo smirked. "Yeah. Hey _monkey_, I thought you had Hakkai heal all your wounds?"

"He did." Goku furrowed his brow in confusion.

"Oh? Then what's with those bruises on your neck?"

_Oh shit._ Goku's hand automatically went his neck, wondering just how apparent the marks were. Gojyo used his break of concentration to kick Goku off of him and stand up.

"Time for brother bonding time." Gojyo offered Goku his hand, who accepted it and pulled himself up.

"Draw?"

"Only if you agree to spill."

"Fine." Goku situated himself on the ground, leaning against the side of the temple. "What do you want to know?"

"I just want to know what's up with you. I mean, you almost told me, but then you threw up and ran off. And now you come down to breakfast with the marks of love on your neck. I could guess, but you know what they say about assuming." Gojyo slid down next to him.

"Well you shouldn't worry about that. You're already an ass." Goku shot Gojyo a cheeky smile.

"Smartass." Gojyo dug his knuckles into the top of Goku's head.

"Ow! That hurts you prick!" Goku swatted the hand away and sighed. _There's no point in trying to hide it from Gojyo anymore. There's no point in being ashamed anymore. _"Where to start…"

"Well, you can tell me who was playing sucky-sucky on your neck."

"Umm…"

"It wouldn't happen to be a certain trigger-happy blonde priest would it?"

"Well, actually…"

"Holy shit! I was right! I was totally right!"

"Gojyo." Goku growled.

"Hey, easy there tiger. I'm not making fun or anything. I just never thought I'd see the day he'd actually show affection for anything."

"Yeah well, it wasn't like he just professed his love with roses and candlelight ya know."

"Well I figured that."

"Okay, okay. I guess I'll start where I left off. You remember me tellin' you about that kid Jiao, right?" Gojyo nodded. "Well, he wrangled up a few other kids and managed to manipulate their way into havin' me be their…servant and kinda trapped me. That went on for a while, too long, and finally Sanzo drove them out, shot the kid in the leg and it kinda went from there." Goku looked at Gojyo, waiting for a response. He was staring down at the ground in front of him, looking like he was replaying Goku's words in his head.

"What do you mean, 'servant'?"

Goku was silent, trying to think of a way to say it without saying it.

"Like, a _sex_ servant? Is that why you were bandaged up? Goku, what did they do to you?"

"Everything." Goku closed his eyes as his voice cracked. _I'm not going to cry this time. I am not._ He looked back over at Gojyo, whose face had gone red and eyes held a murderous venom in them.

"Where are these kids now?" Goku wasn't used to seeing so much anger in Gojyo's face and was a little startled at it.

"I really don't know. They were expelled from the temple. They could be anywhere."

"Yeah well, they better hope I never cross paths with them. Being shot in the leg will be the least of their problems if that happens." Goku couldn't help but smile. It felt good to confide in Gojyo. To finally be able to stop hiding his biggest, darkest secret, and to know that he was actually strong enough to tell.

"Well, I'm sure if they ever did come back, you'd have to fight me over who gets to kill whom."

"Damn Goku. I never would've guessed that's what you went through."

"Yeah well, I never would've guessed that would happen to me, but life is surprisin' yeah?"

"Yeah. That it is. C'mon. Let's go let Hakkai know we're both alive."

"Oh yeah. I'm not the only one with a new lover in my life, am I?"

Gojyo laughed. "No, you most certainly are not."

They found Hakkai and Sanzo still at the table, exchanging small talk about life in the temple and life outside the temple.

"Oh, look whose back. I see you're both standing and not too bloody. No broken bones?"

"Not this time. I went easy on the monkey."

"You really want to get your ass beat, don't you?"

"As if you could even come close. I saw how slow you're getting. It was like fighting a child."

"Yeah right. How about the opposite? I had to be careful I didn't go too rough on you, or Hakkai _would_ be healin' your broken bones!"

"Oh yeah? You wanna back up that threat?"

"Enough." Sanzo's gruff growl came from across the table.

"Yes. I agree. I am going to go wash up." Gojyo agreed. Hakkai rose to join him. "Oh and by the way, Sanzo? You better take good care of Goku." Sanzo's features froze for a second, before they relaxed back into a smirk.

"Ch'."

Once they were gone, Goku sat down next to Sanzo.

"You told him?"

"Are you mad?"

"No. I'm sure he would've figured it out eventually. Besides, I'm pretty sure Hakkai would tip him off if he didn't. And these," Sanzo placed his fingers gently on the side of Goku's neck. "Probably gave us away."

"Yeah. You have 'em too. Sorry about that." Goku smiled sheepishly. Sanzo just shrugged in response.

"They don't bother me."

"I'm kinda glad they both know now. I mean, for one, it's good not to have that air of suspicion anymore and it feels good to let it out."

"And for two?"

"I can do this without worry." Goku tackled Sanzo to the ground and kissed him. He pulled away and looked down into Sanzo's eyes, grinning playfully.

"Brat." Sanzo's voice sounded rough, but that didn't stop him from returning Goku's second kiss.

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><p><strong>AN: Last chapter, someone asked where this story was going, if it was going to end or not. So I have a question for all of you. I still have a few plot lines to flush out, but would you guys rather I keep going with this story, or would you like a sequel instead? R&R and lemme know what you think :)**


	11. When the Day Met the Night

**A/N: **So finally I've written the final chapter. Yes I know it's short, but after much thought and feedback from you guys, I've decided to write a sequel instead of continuing this story. So I'm not done yet. I'll make up for the short chapter I promise. That said, your feedback will really help shape how the sequel goes. As also, enjoy and R&R if you please! Thanks for sticking with me guys!

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><p>The sun hung low in the sky, shooting out its last rays to color the sky a dazzling shade of pink. Goku sat on the stairs, enjoying the cool breeze dusk brought with it. He turned his head upwards as he heard someone approaching.<p>

"Here" Sanzo held out a small cup of tea, joining Goku on the stairs.

"Thank you." Goku brought the chalice to his lips, carefully sipping the still steaming brew. "You know," he began, leaning his head on the priest's shoulder. "It feels like ages since I've been able to enjoy the sunset like this."

"Like what?" An arm snaked around Goku's waist.

"Like it doesn't feel like an endin'. It feels more like reassurance that there's a tomorrow. The sun is slipping away, not to leave us, but just to rest so it can rise again."

"What about when it rains?"

"Maybe it just had a bad day. We all have bad days." Goku heard Sanzo smirk. He was about to launch into a further explanation but was abruptly stopped by a pair of lips pressing against his own.

"Ever the optimist, aren't you?"

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No. I like the idea."

"Me too. It means we get another day together."

"Yes. It does."


End file.
